Jorge Ramos-Trump Letter

Dear Donald Trump,

     I think the Univision reporter who got thrown out of the room should apologize for saying he could not be thrown out of a room. I guess because he was a reporter. He had his facts wrong. And had them wrong during a videoed broadcast. This is a clear case of misleading the public. I would like to submit an apology for him that perhaps you could have someone pass on to him:

     "Dear my fellow anti-Americans; I earlier reported that I could not be thrown out of a room, after which I was promptly thrown out of a room. At the time I was convinced that I could not be thrown out of a room because my superiors had informed me prior to the event that 'Don't worry, you cannot be thrown out of a room.' I believed what I had been told and proclaimed that belief to the people who were throwing me out of the room. It turns out I had been lied to. A journalist is required to believe everything that he is told and I think I was upholding long-standing journalistic traditions by repeating what I had been told and repeating it accurately; I had, in fact, been told that I could not be thrown out of a room. Imagine my shock, imagine my despair at seeing myself and the room being increasingly distanced from each other. I had not been told that I could not be moved-about within the room, so until I was actually out of the room I was not too concerned. But then it slowly became apparent to me that  me and the room were now in two different locations. I eventually had to confront the glaring reality that I had in fact been thrown out of the room. Even though I am a journalist and believed what I had been told. 

     "I do not blame myself. I do not even blame the people who threw me out of the room. Which clearly actually happened. I blame my sources. My superiors lied to me. I do have to admit I never actually tested or properly researched the validity of their claim at the time. I should have suggested that someone should try and remove me from a room and thus test the hypothesis. I blame myself for this. But I was told this by a fellow journalist. You can understand my childlike faith in the truth of his utterance.

     Now that it has been demonstrated that I can in fact be thrown out of a room I hope in the future my comrades-in-journalism will learn to question what they are told and perhaps, if necessary, actually investigate the truth of things. This is a small first step and one that will be met with resistance. However I feel that ignoring this advice will only result in more journalists being thrown out of rooms. Something that until now we have probably all assumed was impossible." 

J.J. Solari

The Trump Revolution Letter

                                                                                                                                            photo:jj solari

                                            

                                                   the nature of the trump revolution

Dear Donald Trump,

     

     You are the first candidate for President since the days of the Founding Fathers who can actually do something. The closest runner up would be Ronald Reagan and all he could do was read the words someone else wrote for him while he was being photogenic. How many "Reagan" buildings were ever erected? There were a few marquees with his name on them. But not too many skyscrapers.

     Look at the picture on the other page of this. It's a name towering between earth and sky. There is no other name in sight there is no other person in sight. There were a lot of people on the terrain covering the area between where I was and where the tops of those distant hills are. 

     

     None of their names are visible in this panorama. 

     Only one name is. Trump. And this building in the middle of the sky is not on fucking Easter Island or on the edge of some godforsaken tundra in Siberia. It's inside the three and a half mile strip of roadway that is visited by 40 million people a year. And they come from all over the planet. If there were people on Mars they'd becoming from there too.

     I have actually heard people say "Well, what has Trump done in politics?" Well, he hasn't done anything in politics. That's why everything is upsidedown and ass fucking backwards.

     "But he has no experience." Bubba Hussein Obama had none either and he's still lucky if he gets his name on a t-shirt, much less a building.

     Trump will usher in the the new beginnings of the virtues of capitalism in America, where people will make money instead of begging for it from the government. 

     And I for one feel fortunate to have lived to see it starting at last.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari

to trump about chuck todd

chuck turd

dear Donald Trump

     You sure had a lot more patience with that intrusive blathering pile of idiotic idiot-shit Chuck Todd than i would have. At his first interruption i would have had the sole of my foot hard into his excuse for a face with that molestache on it and he would have been sliding, chair and all, on his back into the far wall. 

     And then i would have walked over to him and leaned down and finished what i was saying. 

     Then i would have gone back to my chair and sat down and waited for him to get up and try again. 

     I guarantee you he would be trying hard not to interrupt from that point on

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari.

trump and lincoln

trump vs lincoln

Dear Donald Trump,

   From the looks of things it's pretty clear that as President you're gonna be the exact opposite of Abraham Lincoln. As you know, he was our most idiotic President, declaring war on his own Country, and of course he is the President that the Kenyan In Chief most ardently admires, for that reason.

     You, on the other hand, appear to be about to bring America together.

     Lincoln and Trump, Trump and Lincoln. There could not be two more natural mortal enemies. Lincoln not only declared was on the Country he was leading - once he won it he declared Universal Slavery for it's citizens. This is called the Thirteenth Amendment. Which apparently nobody has ever actually read. Other than me, it looks like. But then I always was a good reader. My reading comprehension skills are actually through the fucking roof. What can I say. It's a gift. I have great genes. 

     Lincoln pulled off the most amazing hoax in history with the possible exception of Obama claiming to be a citizen of the USA: he fought a "war to free the slaves" and then made everyone eligible for slavery as long as "due precess for admittance to slavery" was followed. Whatever the fuck due process even is. I guess it means "whatever the fucking process actually is."

     The 13th Amendment took slavery out of private hands - where it actually did some good - and put it exclusively in government hands: where all it does is destroy everyone, black, white, brown, yellow, red, or rainbow. Which we actually now have! We have rainbow people. Fantastic.

     I hear you have a problem with the 14th Amendment. You think that one is fucked up you oughta read the 13th.

    I think I'm done.

     Thank you.

     God bless you.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari

to trump about jeb

 jeb " the black hand" bush

Dear Donald Trump,

     I seen that picture of Bush with the black hand, and your post that "He just can't get it right." And I mean that hits the nail on the head. He can't even strike a pose that looks intelligent, forget about him trying to delve into Photoshop. He's standing with a shirt a first-grader at a special-needs school wouldn't wear without getting pissed off. But Jeb?....he wears that shirt like they were made for each other.

     What the fuck is with all these candidates anyway, they go a-stumping in a shirt with the sleeves rolled up like as though they actually know what physical labor is. How the fuck hard is it to stand in one place and yammer? You really need to roll up your sleeves for that? 

      And Jeb, being the fucking clueless yokel that he is, he doesnt even have a white shirt on. I guess his mom knows he will have it filthy in two seconds.

     And am I the only one who has noticed that he's cross-eyed? And those mason-jar lenses on his spectacles don't do anything to reduce the cockeyed-thousand yard stare that bonehead manages to manifest and then call it "grinning." I mean, he looks stupid even for stupid. The School for Stupids wouldn't let him in. He'd accidentally injure everybody. 

     You gotta know he wears zipper-free trousers. There is no way he could push his dick aside and zip up his pants simultaneously. He would be spending his life doubled-over screaming in pain, flesh and metal locked in a hellish embrace of torment with Jeb making things even worse by trying to free the mess with violent jabs of a knife. He likely stays naked as much as possible. Just to avoid trips to the hospital.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari 

     

Me And Facebook

Once again I have been thrown off facebook for typing the word nigger. Amy white had informed me - on facebook - that she had been banned for a month. I said "whatdja do, write the word nigger?" Facebook then informed me that I was banned for a month for writing nigger. Which of course they can do, Facebook is their property and they can kick anyone out for any reason. It's not like I pay to be there. Hahahahaha, that's funny just writing it. The idea that I would do that. Pay to be on facebook. I should be getting paid to be on facebook, I am by far the most fascinating entity there. How Amy had informed me via facebook that she was off facebook.....this is still kind of a puzzle in my head. But i took the opportunity to get myself thrown off by asking her what I did. I of course knew the consequences, and I need 30 days away from facebook to focus on my personal relationship with Trump. Do you have a personal relationship with Donald Trump? I am trying to establish one. Because my one unobtainable wish in life that I cannot do on my own without trespassing is to stand on the roof of the Trump building in Las Vegas in the evening while smoking a cigar. To do this I might have to become an advisor to the President. He might let me up there if I am telling him how to handle different global situations. Now you might say, and this would be the first thing to pop into your head "I think he seems to know how to handle situations." To this I would say I think he might be a bit unsure about a few things, a few rarified philosophical and theological and cultural areas in which I am a self-proclaimed expert par exelahnsss. That's french. I get around, motherfucker, I have a degree of  class, goddamn fuckin' A.
     Getting back to facebook. And the word nigger. It will be a cold day in hell before JJ Solari is forbidden to write a particular word. Writing words is all I know how to do except for a few remarkable tap steps. How the word nigger became fucking sacrosanct...well, that's happening in a universe that I am happy to take a shit in as often as possible. And keep in mind that the only reason this blog exists is because the nigger obama was elected fucking president. when he is gone and trump is in I will likely stop this blog, assuming the nigger obama basically disappears from public life. I might even stop using the word nigger. Because he is the reason I started using it at all in public discourse. I have used it in fiction when spoken by a "character." but very rarely. I think I did it once in a story about a nigger. It was a rare event, I don't write fiction about niggers, just white people. Usually bikers. That's sort of my fiction arena.
     So anyway I was kicked off again. with the notation that "you seem to do this a lot." I can still SEE facebook because they would not want me to miss the ads. I can monitor the site and my "page." and everyone else's page. but i cannot comment.
     Like I say i did this on purpose. i need a month off from that heinous drug. I mostly use it as a notebook anyway. I jot down my social and philosophical and comedic insights so that i dont have to use paper. PLUS the world gets to see them. even when i am banned.
    now, about the word nigger. only white people have a problem with this. whitey is of course in retreat. whitey is weak. but this whitey right here is not weak. he keeps writing nigger. solely because it is a forbidden word. because it is so hard-hitting. it undoes decades of propaganda that niggers are
"normal people." well, they are normal people on the veldt. But they are far from normal in an industrial Western civilization. And they refuse or are incapable of adapting. Like the Navajo. they should be on reservations. Really. On a reservation they would have nothing but dirt, which is all they aspire to: living in the dirt. But they want to wreck White World first. So that they won't have any competition in the dirt or any thing to aspire to. If whitey is gone they can relax in their own insistent primitive lifestyle where dancing, killing and raping are the accepted norm. the word "nigger" presents this entire Negro Universe in its entire disgusting horror. And since niggers are the "proletariat" that will never advance past that lowly stage, it is necessary for the political universe - the universe of compulsion - to keep them around. In fact the latest "we need niggers" slogan is "black lives matter." No one ever explains why. Why do they matter? No one has one reason. Not one all negro country is civilized. Even though they all now have constitutions. which are supposed to be civilizing agents. apparently this is not the case. every negro nation is devoid of light, water, roads, shelter, commerce, industry, and business suits. All they have is squalor and body counts. because this is all niggers are comfortable with. and using the word "nigger" brings all this truth and reality immediately to mind. why blame me that niggers are niggers? i didnt do this to them. they're self-starters in niggerness. i just type a word.
     like i say i dont have a problem with facebook having an anti-nigger rule. that's fine. but it hasnt retrained me out of my naughtiness. it's just made it worse. now i say nigger even though i dont actually need to say it or want to. i just do it to keep my hand in. because i am a writer. i am THE writer. and i use words. all of them. no words are off limits. not even nigger. thank you.

Letter To Trump, Maher

                                      

                                                             bill maher

Dear Donald Trump,

     Bill Maher draggin' yer Ol' Ladies into this fray, I see.  Kinda like that Kenyan Muslim cross-dresser in the  white house saying about Sarah Palin, "You put lipstick on a pig it's still a pig." Democrats. They're like something out of the sewer. I mean I'm a garbage mouth but I don't say shit about peoples' wives and daughters and sweethearts. I mean, you gotta expect some very bad pushback when you do that.

     But ya know, that Bill?....why, he ain't afraid of God nor Jesus. Nope. Why he even says they don't exist. I guess he thinks you don't exist too.

     Ya know, it's too bad you're Irish and not Italian. I'm both so I know what they both do. The Irish?....they forget shit. You do something to them?....as time goes by they kinda lose track and they kinda get foggy about slights and they can at some point, after a few thousand drinks, can let something go.

     Italians? They ain't like that. 

     So, since you're likely to kind of lose track of what that idiotic atheist pain in the fucking ass said.....I will just kind of keep reminding you. Because I would really like to see you lay into this motherfucker. In the arena of gentlemanly reh-par-tay, of course. Enough gentlemanly reh-par-tay to where he fucking loses his job. Assuming he has one. If it wasnt for Yahoo News no one would ever know he even exists.

     Ya know, maybe God is fighting back after all. Rather than just smoting the fuck he has started to make him invisible. Come to think of it, if it wasnt for you being around for him to take potshots at he would be ignored. You're the only thing keeping him in the news. You should tell him that. Hahahaha.

Sincerely,

J.J. Solari 

letter to trump, soldiers

American soldiers in Persia

     contains vulgar and disrespectful-to-allah concepts and references.

Dear Donald Trump,

     You know what's really fucked-up about sending American soldiers to fight Persians in Persia? They can't drink beer, they can't smoke cigarettes, they can't eat fucking bacon, they can't swear, they can't  play music, they can't dance, they can't fuck unless its with a fucking goat or a newborn baby.....Jesus Goldstein Christ, can the fucking Pentagramagon make it any tougher on them? I'm surprised Obama doens't order American soldiers to stick their asses into the air five times a day so Allah can fill them with his Blessed and Most Sanctified Infected Jizz From His Most Majestic Aids-filled Balls. What other country fights an enemy on the terms of the enemy? I'll tell you what kind: the kind that get fucking conquered, that's what kind.

     I hope this no-drinking, no hi-jinx aspect of this war goes out the fucking window when you take over. Which it pretty much looks like you're going to do. So I hope you're fucking serious. Cause you're gonna be tossed the fucking baton, dude. Really.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari

Trump And George Will Letter

contains some snarky vulgarity

george will

Dear Donald Trump,

     I'm reading the latest load from George Will haranguing about you. Holy shit.  This fucker could have gotten Jesus to come down from the cross and then run-off toward the horizon with his fingers in his ears.

     It seems he has a real problem with you. You're not a "real" Republican and you're not a "real" Conservative. I would take that as a compliment since real republicans and real conservatives are basically democrats in slow motion. The're democrats who want a socialist State but not quite yet. The democrats want Marxism now. The republicans and conservatives want it maybe in a week or two: "Let's not rush this. Let's do it piecemeal."

     George Will has not one word to say regarding your suggestions for problem-solving on the Hannity interview. Not a word. Republicans and Conservatives don't know what to do with a solution to anything. If you solve a problem then they have no need to exist, since their sole existence is to say we have problems and that the Democrats can't solve them. They exist to rail against Democrats.That's the motivation of an extremely lazy person; to critique someone doing the same thing you're doing only they're doing it faster and better. 

     Then this  bowtie-wearing Trotskyite goes on a tear about how you are not the intellectual refinement known as William Buckley. William Buckley was a delusional, tick-infested, twitching, writhing morass of repression with a skin condition from not masturbating whose idea of a perfect world was a Catholic priest in every household taking notes on everyone's genitalia activity.

     If there is a girl dressing as a man, it's George Will. This pouting little mama's boy is actually the Voice of Conservatism. And Conservatives have no problem with this! I wouldn't have that calculating wolf as a watchdog in a cemetery. He'd dig up all the corpses and eat them and claim the Resurrection took place with God Himself ushering the faithful to the skies, whole and entire. Then he'd trot away, believed and admired.

     And don't even get me started on his talent for prose. He has the writing skills of a deceased horsefly in an abandoned barn. He writes like a little girl bitching in front of Mom that her brother ate all the ice cream. This is the intellectual conservatives are convinced is a sublime intellect.

     Fuck that douchebag ratsnest of drooling infection.

     Thank you.

Sincerely,

J.J. Solari

  

Trump And Jury Duty Letter

Dear Donald Trump,

     I hear you got a jury duty summons. Obviously a Holder-Obama ploy, dreamed up by Perry, to keep you sequestered for two years so that Biden can be President.

     This won't happen if you never get chosen to actually sit on a jury.

    

     Now a lot of people have a lot of theories how to keep this from happening when you are interviewed by the judge and the two attorneys, one from each side. These theories usually involve acting like a mental patient.

     However acting intelligent is a lot lot lot more effective.

     The way you do this is to request clarification regarding each question. Since the questions are always either stupid or calculatedly ambiguous, you present to them the range of meanings and interpretations and ask politely which one they meant. For instance: "Do you have any friends or relatives in law enforcement?" "By law enforcement do you mean only police officers or do you also mean agencies, such as the IRS or FDA and such and other law-enforcing personnel, such as, for instance, the military."  Always ask this in all innocence. This demonstrates that words actually have precise meanings to you. They don't like this in a jury member.

     Also, whenever the judge or the prosecutor or the defendant's attorney speak to you, and sometimes they overlap, look at each speaker immediately, even if he is interrupting the one you are already looking at. This demonstrates avid alertness; another quality they do not like.

     Be serious. Do not be amusing. Being amusing shows you are trying to be cordial and trying to please them all: which is certainly courteous. But it also means you can perhaps be manipulated via emotion. A quality they are looking for. You do not want to give them any qualities they are looking for. 

     Do these things and you will never be selected. In two weeks, or one day, whatever their particular system is, you will be released.

     Remember, the jury and the guy on trial have more in common with each other than anyone else in the room: you have all been put there against your will: you are all paying the salaries of judge, the prosecutor and the public defender. And you are all being treated like shit. Do everything you can to be intelligent and alert and your chances of being selected are lower than the temperature of liquid hydrogen. Which is Absolute Zero.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari

letter to trump

Dear Donald Trump,

     Ya know, there's something you gut that the other Republican-Candidacy, tedium-breeding losers don't even realize you've got, and if they did realize it they would be kissing your ass a lot harder than they are now: and you know what that is?..... it's the fact that you have the Negro Vote all tied up. Ya know why? 'Cause Negroes think you're cool. And you know why they think you're cool?....for the same reason the press and the Republican National Committee can't stand you; because you strut; you brag about your wealth; you are surrounded by hot chicks all the time; you preen; you wear camelhair overcoats; you strut; you swagger;  you tell people what you think about them to their face; you boast about your own coolness...and you don't give a shit what blacks, or anyone else, think about you unless they are your customers. Your customers?....these people you give a shit about. Your critics?....unless it's a complaint about fleas in the room, fuck 'em.

     Negroes like shit like this.

     In other words, you don't have to kiss the Negroes' asses or curry their favor; they already think you are cool. You think the American Negro thinks Jeb Fucking Bush is cool? Or Rick Fucking Perry? Or any of them other dreary, pandering piles of Pasty-assed white boys up there on the podium?

     Let me tell ya somehin', you and that commie shithead Obama are the only two people in politics in America that the Blacks actually like. Because you can both talk "to the common man." Obama can do it because he's a fucking Marxist and thinks the common man is some sort of fucking supergenius, so he talks to parasites on a one-to-one basis 'cause he's one himself. You can talk to the "common man" because you're just plain fucking normal. A fucking normal man should be able to talk to a delirious bum on a bench with the same language and ease as he would talk to the Queen of fucking England. It's called "being real."  It's called showing the same face to everyone on earth. It's knowing that we all eventually have to go into the bathroom and squirt shit out our ass, just like rats do, so no one other than goddamn Jesus is actually special.

     Negroes know you are.....and I almost hate to say this, but I'm gonna say it....they instinctively know "you iz da Massa on dis plantation, Boss."  And that's all I'm gonna say. They know you is the Mastah. And they are very comfortable with it. They do not have a problem with it at all. The other Republicans candidates?....The Blacks can't stand their lily-white condescending asses. You might needs ta bring this to the Republicans' and the Conservatives' attention; that you have this Black-Vote Thing all wrapped up. And that they never will on their own.

    This - what you have -  is called "leadership." Leadership leads all people: black; white; green; red; brown.....that's why it's called leadership. And you have it. You de Mang. And everyone knows it. You might need to remind the Right Wing, tight-sphinctered, fear-of-the-Darkies Republicans, and everyone else, that you have the Black vote all wrapped up.

     By the way; I can talk like this; I can tap dance better than they can. And they will admit it. I know my Negroes. On the tapdance floor I am like a fucking rhythmic archangel to the bruthuz.  

     Thank you. And God bless you.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari    

letter to trump

               

    contains extremely vulgar language when appropriate. which means probably throughout.

Dear Donald Trump,

     There's a reason Megyn Kelly's parents spelled her name with a g-y-n. They knew she was a cunt from the start. 

     

     What's with these fucking low-grade news-readers who are convinced they are the strike force for human decency and global liberty and the guardians of humanity? That cutesy bitch came out the gate like a fucking hyena prepared to drag a kill away from a lion. Two hours later you say she drips blood from her crotch and suddenly every dyke-souled bitch and every doucebag henpecked man in America suddenly runs to her defense? 

     

     Fuck those creeps. 

     

     And some "conservative" named Erick Erickson decides you can't talk at a fruitcake convention of confused almost-democrats?....which is all conservatives actually are: democrats in slow motion.

     It's time to quit dealing with these Republican fairies and start your own party. The fucking gauntlet is down, Republicans are hopelessly marooned in Massengill Land and they and their conservative fruitcake associates are not the people to take-on global monstrosities like the commies and the fucking goddamn muslim islamic koranic Death People.

     What does Erick Erickson think is gonna happen he runs to Megyn's defense, she's gonna give him a lap dance in the bathroom while he's sitting on the shitter taking a piss?

     And what's with Carly Fiorina suddenly getting involved? She just fucked up her chance of being Vice President.

     The Tippytoe Establishment has apparently decided that Megyn Semensniffer's eroded and rancid vagina is  more worth protecting than the United States of America. But I am not in that camp. And neither is anyone else with an IQ higher than a journalist's. Which is practically everybody.

     Patton said "Let the enemy worry about my flanks." You don't stop. You don't let up. You conquer. You win. When the fucking smoke clears everyone will be a lot better off. Fuck 'em. Thank you.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari  

letter to trump

Dear Donald Trump,

     Regarding the White House, when you move into it: you're not really going to move into that architectural rats-nest, are you?

     I mean, really, that's the ugliest pile of lumber and nails in America. If you had built that yourself and put your name on it and opened it up for overnight stays and bed and breakfast?.....you'd be out of a job in a week.

     Have you by any chance seen the Trump in Las Vegas? Have you seen that place? That's one of your places! One of your places. And you're going to move into the White House? I wouldn't move Bin Laden's camel herd into that place. In fact, you might have to move Bin Laden's camel herd out of the place if you take it over. God only knows what's in there at the moment. It could be fuckin' Bedouin World Headquarters for all we know.

     If you do move in, maybe you can strike a deal with the dullards in the Federal Government to actually buy the property and put a decent building there instead. Maybe a high rise: with red, white, and blue steel and glass. 50 stories; one for each State. DC won't be represented since it's not a State. God only knows what it actually is. Oh, yeah, it's a district. A district. It's a district alright. District 9. It's full of monsters. It should be off-limits to the rest of the Country. Wall it off and open it to illegals. Let them have the District of Columbia. Let's see what they can accomplish there. 

     In fact, is there even one sensible building in DC? It looks like Ancient Fucking Rome. It even has an obelisk. George Washington would shit his breeches if he knew he was being remembered via an Egyptian obelisk. It's just downright creepy. It's almost pagan. What's next for DC, a statue of Moloch?

     How are you going to make the transition from Trump Tower to that frumpy White House and still keep your sanity? And another thing, Barack and Michelle and the two girls might leave but what if the rest of Obama's indigent relatives I hear have homesteaded the place refuse to go? What if they raise all kinds of Squatters Hell? Then what? What if they riot? What if they burn the place down? 

     You know what? this all just might work out after all.

    

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari    

postal letter to trump

Dear Donald Trump,

     I saw an item today where you said you were not going to be rude or uncharitable or nasty to the other "candidates" in the debate. I also notice none of them have responded to this. You know what that tells me?.....it tells me that behind closed doors they are all saying "Thank you, Jesus!"

     If they were as smart as they think they are they all would have been fighting each other to be first to say to the press "There's no reason for him to be nice to me, I ain't afraid of that blowhard!"

     That ain't what happened. In fact nothing happened. They're scared. They're scared and they're relieved.

     I guess, come to think of it, if you said you were going to be mean and nasty to them they would not have shown up. In fact, that would have been fun to see.

Sincerely,

J.J. Solari

overland letter to trump - mark salter

Dear Donald Trump,

     I see some vagabond-faced Penn Jillette lookalike named Mark Salter has decided to toss some prose your way that is a bit bullshit-filled. I mean here's a guy writing all of John McCain's books for him and he's calling you a phony? At least you write your own books.

     I will say this for the unshaven slob, his prose and invective is a lot better than the juvenile writing skills of the uneducated assholes at Salon dot com, Yahoo, CNN, NBC, Business Week, the Huffington Post, the Beast and all the other news agencies. McCain had enough sense to realize that since he himself doesnt have the brains God gave macaques he needed to hire someone who does. And I guess that person with the brains God gave macaques was Mark Salter.

Sincerely,

J.J. Solari

overland letter to trump

Dear Donald Trump,

     These "debates" are going to be the most watched political blubberfest in history. 

     With you on the agenda they could put this on Pay Per View and make a fuckin' fortune.

     You could have government making money without taxes or fines or fees. This is a true revolution in human governmental history.

     Huzzah for the revolutionary!!

Sincerely,

J.J. Solari

Letter, Trump, 49 Cents

Dear Donald Trump,

     The "debates" are in a few days.

     Speaking as an ex-Mouseketeer and as a living legend among the outlaw biker community, please allow me to offer some suggestions on how to handle the hostility and disingenuineness that is going to be hurled your way by the other "candidates" in the "debate" where nothing will actually be debated.

     First of all there will be a lot of name-calling hurled your way. There will also be accusations of impiety.

     Remember, we are not electing a candidate for sainthood. We are electing a fucking problem-solver. I don't really care if my President rescues kittens in burlap from the river if I am being legislated and taxed out of existence by the same guy.

     Second, there will be a lot of "what is your plan" for this?? and "what is your plan" for that??

     Listen: do any of these fucking assholes have a plan for anything? Cuz if they do, so far they are all pretty shitty ones.

     And another thing: let's say you have an opinion on something that everybody disagrees with. So what? It doesn't mean your opinion is going to become the fucking law of the land. It's just an opinion! So give your opinions on things. They're just opinions. That's why Presidents have advisors.

     And another thing: do any of these muttonheads you will be "going up against".....do any of them have any kind of fucking work ethic? No. They sit around and dream up new ways to handcuff everyone while forcing open their pocketbooks and safe deposit boxes with crowbars. You will be "going up against" lifer "public servants" who could not get an order of fries out of a fry basket without scalding half the neighborhood. 

     To continue; none of these bloviating motherfuckers speak normal English. They speak vague, drifting language that only journalists can make any sense out of because both groups, politicians and journalists, live in some quaisi-religious mystical universe where words are a kind of kabala of purple phraseology that deals with soothing emollients of vocabulary designed to relax and massage the listener into slumber and in some cases into an actual coma.

     Remember that your job in the "debates" is not to actually "win." These sideshows are the political version of the WWE - an outfit I totally admire and praise, by the way - but these debates are wrestling matches where the public is the loser, no matter who wins. Unlike the WWE where the public leaves the auditorium happy and delighted at a rollicking good show, these debates on the other hand are a borefest of emotional exhaustion which when they are over, only the candidates are the winners. Because even if one "loses" the debate, he does not lose his job. Whereas you want - I hope - to have all these assholes lose their jobs. You need to attack their work-ethic. They all know they can't get fired for years. They have no boss. They have some weird employment that guarantees them tenure no matter what they do make life miserable for millions of people. Usually the only way to get rid of them is for some journalist to discover they violated a fucking statute or pinched some hottie's ass. I mean this whole political universe is a fucking joke on the public.

     I seem to have gone off on a tear.

     Anyway, make it personal. Call them all lazy, preening peacocks and give us a good show.

     Thank you.  And God bless you.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari 

Post Office Letter to Trump

Dear Donald Trump,

     I see some of the Conservatives in Congress are actually going-after that sad-faced sack of spinelessness, John Boner.

     They are clearly motivated by your leadership.

     You know what true leaders do?......they do not inspire obedience. No; they inspire imitation.

     You are not just leading, you are creating more of them.

      God bless, and keep at it.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari 

Trump Letter Snail Mail

Dear Donald Trump,

     These "debates" are going to be the most watched political blubberfest in history. 

     With you on the agenda they could put this on Pay Per View and make a fuckin' fortune.

     You could have government making money without taxes or fines or fees. This is a true revolution in human governmental history.

     Huzzah for the revolutionary!!

Sincerely,

J.J. Solari

Another Overland Letter

Dear Donald Trump,

     I see some vagabond-faced Penn Jillette lookalike named Mark Salter has decided to toss some prose your way that is a bit bullshit-filled. I mean here's a guy writing all of John McCain's books for him and he's calling you a phony? At least you write your own books.

     I will say this for the unshaven slob, his prose and invective is a lot better than the juvenile writing skills of the uneducated assholes at Salon dot com, Yahoo, CNN, NBC, Business Week, the Huffington Post, the Beast and all the other news agencies. McCain had enough sense to realize that since he himself doesnt have the brains God gave macaques he needed to hire someone who does. And I guess that person with the brains God gave macaques was Mark Salter.

Sincerely,

J.J. Solari

Overland Letter to You Know Who

Dear Donald Trump,

     I saw an item today where you said you were not going to be rude or uncharitable or nasty to the other "candidates" in the debate. I also notice none of them have responded to this. You know what that tells me?.....it tells me that behind closed doors they are all saying "Thank you, Jesus!"

     If they were as smart as they think they are they all would have been fighting each other to be first to say to the press "There's no reason for him to be nice to me, I ain't afraid of that blowhard!"

     That ain't what happened. In fact nothing happened. They're scared. They're scared and they're relieved.

     I guess, come to think of it, if you said you were going to be mean and nasty to them they would not have shown up. In fact, that would have been fun to see.

Sincerely,

J.J. Solari