Thursday, December 10, 2015

Letter To Trump About Muslims


                                        the difference between trump and the muslims

Dear Donald Trump; You and the Muslims have one major philosophical difference: you like to build beautiful skyscrapers and they like to blow them up. I see this as a real obstacle to any kind of eventual accord between you and them. True, you both like buildings. But for different reasons: you like them so that the people inside them will be bathed in luxury and beauty and leisure and delightfulness of all kinds whereas the Muslims want the people in the buildings to be bathed in fire and screaming and horror and death and falling concrete. 
     
     I don't think these two radically different entertainment philosophies can ever function as a partnership. I think if anything these two opposing business plans would result in permanent hostilities between yours and the Muslim views of the construction industry.
     
     So I am not at all perplexed why you, as a builder of buildings, would not want the Muslims - the destroyers of buildings -  in the same Country as you. It makes perfect sense.
     
     I suspect that if the Muslims preferred to fly filled passenger planes into apple orchards that you would have not been quite as tempted to run for Commander in Chief of History's most devastating war machine, the American military. But buildings - and high, beautiful ones - like the kind you build - seem to be their preferred targets.
     
     It is not likely the Muslims - being 1500 years of inbred sociopathic, clinically depressed and sadistic monstrosities of Nature - have made this connection: that they are personally responsible for your having thrown your hat into the ring as the person who hopes to have his finger on the nuclear arsenal. They probably just see you as a kind of "let's shoo them all away" kind of person, at worst, and not as a "let's blow them all up" kind of person. Otherwise they would be all leaving now and looking for, if not another country, another planet. 

Sincerely, 


J. J. Solari 

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Letter To Trump About Islam

    Dear Donald Trump; There is a trend in your facebook posts that you are convinced there is such a thing as "radical" Islam as opposed to Islam. I also noticed you are criticizing Hillary Cunton for not saying "radical Islam." 
     Just so you know -  and apparently you are not the only one who doesn't know this - there is actually no such thing as "radical" Islam. Radical Islam would be a form of Islam that would not be Islam. It would be Christianity, or maybe Buddhism, or perhaps Judaism, or maybe even Scientology. That would be radical Islam: a kind of Islam that is actually not Islam at all. A kind of Islam that does not actually exist.
     There are not "varieties" of Islam; that is, there is not a "nice" kind of Islam and a "nasty" kind of Islam. There is only the nasty kind of Islam. And that would be the one in the Koran. There is no Nice Version of the Koran. There is only the fucked version of the Koran. Or, as the Muslim In Chief calls it "the coe-dahn." And that Koran, or coe-dahn, is the one that demands that all non Muslims be killed. The fact that Muslims also kill each other is simply an example of their inherent enthusiasm for murder. Fair to say, the Koran doesn't actually insist on the killing of other Muslims. They do that on their own initiative. They're self starters in the homicide business.
     So to review, there is no such thing as "radical" Islam. There is only normal Islam: the one that demands its adherents rape, lie, kill, molest, steal, torture and enslave everyone who isn't a Muslim. "Radical" Islam would be something that isn't Islam at all. Like, say, a sandwich. 
     Thank you.

Sincerely, 


J. J. Solari

Sunday, September 13, 2015

letter to trump about krauthammer

charles krauthammer


Dear Donald Trump,

     That Charles Krauthammer is one ugly motherfucker. He looks like something from the George Lucas storyboard collection. His fucking upper lip comes to a goddamn point. Does he kiss girls?....or does he stab them to death through the face. Jesus. Can you imagine that menagerie of facial errors coming at you with eyes closed for a warm smacker? Holy fucking crap. You tell him to pucker up he would shred every ligament in the back of his neck trying to get the job done. Tendons would snap, the skin would pull tight against his skull and his eyes would blow out of their sockets. How romantic. He looks like a fucking terrapin. His love life has to be an ongoing Halloween of horrors. He could frighten women into running towards Harpo Marx. Howard Stern needs to take a good long look at Charles Krauthammer every day, he would never criticize his own looks ever again. Jesus, I just imagined Krauthammer and Greta Van Susteren breeding a coven of young. Their kids wouldn't have just been beat with an ugly stick they would have been tied to an ugly stick that was set afire and had another ugly stick drove through their heart. I mean we are talking treacherous-level ugly right now. How do you take someone seriously who looks that fucking ugly? I mean, journalism isn't supposed to be a safe haven for facially cursed, is it? On the other hand maybe being ugly makes you stupid. Which would make journalism almost a magnetic force for the ugly. If Jaime Pressly is drop dead gorgeous then Charles Krauthammer is raise the dead ugly. He could extinguish the sun if he looked at it. His face makes a hundred miles of bad road look like The Best of Playboy. How does he interview people without his puss being the sole topic of conversation? How do you discuss world issues with the guy looking at that FEMA emergency taking place right in front of you? There's no way he could chew the kernels off a cob of corn. He'd have to spear them one at a time with that spongy beak covering his biscuspids. Who ever heard of an aquiline lip? No one ever says anything? Maybe that's what he writes with. Maybe it holds ink: it looks like a pen nib. Maybe that's it: his mother was scared by a Waterman salesman.

Sincerely, 


J.J. Solari

letter to trump about susteren

greta van susteren

dear donald trump,


     I see Greta van Susteren has jumped to the defense of her ally-in-ugliness Carli Fiorino. Ya know these skanky bitches want to live in a mans world........ but they dont want to play by mens' rules. Which is -  "We all call each other names, asshole! It's what we do! We're men! We ain't polite!" Which is just the way it is.  

     Van Susteren, instead of coming to Carli's defense should be trying to find a way for the two of them to get some much needed plastic surgery. In fact Carli Fiorino should be telling Greta to back off. She should be telling Greta that she - Carli - ain't that ugly to where she needs the Queen of Fucked Up Faces to come running to her defense and rescue. If anything Fiorino should sue van Susteren for slander for suggesting that they are equally ugly. They ain't. Greta has that Ugliest Of All title all sewn up. It's nice of her to want to share it but it's also rude to whoever she wants to share it with.

Sincerely, 


J.J. Solari

letter to trump about the wall

the field of obstructed dreams




Dear Donald Trump,

     I think I have a campaign-slogan submission. It's in regard to the US-Mexico wall and it calls-up touching moments in Field of Dreams:       



                                                   

                                                   "If you build it they won't come."


Sincerely, 


J.J. Solari

letter to trump about carson

 ben carson, the man of faith

Dear Donald Trump,

     I'm reading about that personal representative of Jesus, Ben Carson, proclaiming his superior sanctity when it comes to devotion and reverence to Our Lord as compared to what I guess he perceives as your truancy from the gathering of the saints. 
     These are the tactics of dyed-in-the-wool pieces of shit. This rascal is so covetous of political glory that he needs to proclaim his favor in the eyes of the Creator, whereas you, Donald Trump, have apparently fallen short in the eyes of Jesus. 
     Jesus, probably as fine a judge of personal merit as can be found.....well,  according to Ben, Jesus has been disappointed in your job performance when it comes to proclaiming the Lord. Why Jesus has not come to you personally about this and has instead decided to take Ben's word for it makes me think that Jesus might be afraid that you will pick-apart his  own imperfect physical characteristics. Assuming Jesus has any. I know that my Bible says that Jesus was "not a comely man." He was as ugly as Howard Stern, in other words, is how I read this. So Maybe Jesus is more comfortable getting the lowdown on your holiness from Ben, who I think we would all agree is a devilishly handsome man, a rakish rascal of attractiveness who cuts a fine figure on the runway, agile and catlike and swarthy, and we are not even talking about his worthiness in the eyes of the Lord, mind you. When we move onto his holiness, well then, we can only admire Jesus for Jesus' trust  in Ben's opinion of people's souls.
     I think you should approach Ben and ask him in all humility what he thinks you need to do to become more spiritually worthy in his eyes. Should you carry a Bible in your hands at all times? Should you start each debate-response with a short homily about the Lord? Should you ask for all to turn to their hymnbooks after each Q and A? Should you heal someone from the press corps by calling him up and slapping him on the forehead? Ben will know. He will know how to advise you. He has a key to the celestial bathroom. He has found favor with the Lord. We must pay him homage.  He is the Chosen.
     Let us pray silently.
     Thank you. 
Sincerely,

J.J. Solari  

letter to trump about jeb


                                                         taking Jeb Soundbites for sleep

Dear Donald Trump,

     I was lookin' at the ad yer runnin' of Jeb blabbering incoherently and boringly, with someone sleeping off to the side. I noticed a few things besides the sleeper. For instance; 
     What's with that very unheterosexual wrist-wrap that he's sporting? What IS that? A couture statement? Is that some new manly fashion accessory to keep one's wrist from going limpy? 
     And i notice he has his coat off and his sleeves rolled up for the hard work he is engaged in in providing a sleep-worthy atmosphere for everyone to slumber to. Do you really need to roll up your sleeves to speak in a droning monotone of pablum-filled baby talk? Is it really all that strenuous that you need to take your coat off to get down to the serious business of saying "it's for our kids" and "it will create jobs"? 
     And look at those hands. Those are the hands of a dainty little hand-model for dishwashing liquid. I'm serious, he has the delicate smooth soft hands of a Chinese nurse. 
     Has that sad-faced doofus ever done more back-breaking work than remove a tea cozy? What's with the rolled up sleeves with hands like that?  Is he trying to frighten his fingers? They're going to think he's going to actually do something he keeps rolling up his sleeves. His fingers could go into anaphylactic shock thinking they might have to actually do something more strenuous than scratch his scrotum.
     And is talking monotonously really all that exhausting a job? He should drape a towel around his neck, it might help convince everyone he's breakin' a sweat.

Sincerely, 


J.J. Solari