ben carson, the man of faith
Dear Donald Trump,
I'm reading about that personal representative of Jesus, Ben Carson, proclaiming his superior sanctity when it comes to devotion and reverence to Our Lord as compared to what I guess he perceives as your truancy from the gathering of the saints.
These are the tactics of dyed-in-the-wool pieces of shit. This rascal is so covetous of political glory that he needs to proclaim his favor in the eyes of the Creator, whereas you, Donald Trump, have apparently fallen short in the eyes of Jesus.
Jesus, probably as fine a judge of personal merit as can be found.....well, according to Ben, Jesus has been disappointed in your job performance when it comes to proclaiming the Lord. Why Jesus has not come to you personally about this and has instead decided to take Ben's word for it makes me think that Jesus might be afraid that you will pick-apart his own imperfect physical characteristics. Assuming Jesus has any. I know that my Bible says that Jesus was "not a comely man." He was as ugly as Howard Stern, in other words, is how I read this. So Maybe Jesus is more comfortable getting the lowdown on your holiness from Ben, who I think we would all agree is a devilishly handsome man, a rakish rascal of attractiveness who cuts a fine figure on the runway, agile and catlike and swarthy, and we are not even talking about his worthiness in the eyes of the Lord, mind you. When we move onto his holiness, well then, we can only admire Jesus for Jesus' trust in Ben's opinion of people's souls.
I think you should approach Ben and ask him in all humility what he thinks you need to do to become more spiritually worthy in his eyes. Should you carry a Bible in your hands at all times? Should you start each debate-response with a short homily about the Lord? Should you ask for all to turn to their hymnbooks after each Q and A? Should you heal someone from the press corps by calling him up and slapping him on the forehead? Ben will know. He will know how to advise you. He has a key to the celestial bathroom. He has found favor with the Lord. We must pay him homage. He is the Chosen.
Let us pray silently.