letter to trump about krauthammer

charles krauthammer

Dear Donald Trump,

     That Charles Krauthammer is one ugly motherfucker. He looks like something from the George Lucas storyboard collection. His fucking upper lip comes to a goddamn point. Does he kiss girls?....or does he stab them to death through the face. Jesus. Can you imagine that menagerie of facial errors coming at you with eyes closed for a warm smacker? Holy fucking crap. You tell him to pucker up he would shred every ligament in the back of his neck trying to get the job done. Tendons would snap, the skin would pull tight against his skull and his eyes would blow out of their sockets. How romantic. He looks like a fucking terrapin. His love life has to be an ongoing Halloween of horrors. He could frighten women into running towards Harpo Marx. Howard Stern needs to take a good long look at Charles Krauthammer every day, he would never criticize his own looks ever again. Jesus, I just imagined Krauthammer and Greta Van Susteren breeding a coven of young. Their kids wouldn't have just been beat with an ugly stick they would have been tied to an ugly stick that was set afire and had another ugly stick drove through their heart. I mean we are talking treacherous-level ugly right now. How do you take someone seriously who looks that fucking ugly? I mean, journalism isn't supposed to be a safe haven for facially cursed, is it? On the other hand maybe being ugly makes you stupid. Which would make journalism almost a magnetic force for the ugly. If Jaime Pressly is drop dead gorgeous then Charles Krauthammer is raise the dead ugly. He could extinguish the sun if he looked at it. His face makes a hundred miles of bad road look like The Best of Playboy. How does he interview people without his puss being the sole topic of conversation? How do you discuss world issues with the guy looking at that FEMA emergency taking place right in front of you? There's no way he could chew the kernels off a cob of corn. He'd have to spear them one at a time with that spongy beak covering his biscuspids. Who ever heard of an aquiline lip? No one ever says anything? Maybe that's what he writes with. Maybe it holds ink: it looks like a pen nib. Maybe that's it: his mother was scared by a Waterman salesman.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari

letter to trump about susteren

greta van susteren

dear donald trump,

     I see Greta van Susteren has jumped to the defense of her ally-in-ugliness Carli Fiorino. Ya know these skanky bitches want to live in a mans world........ but they dont want to play by mens' rules. Which is -  "We all call each other names, asshole! It's what we do! We're men! We ain't polite!" Which is just the way it is.  

     Van Susteren, instead of coming to Carli's defense should be trying to find a way for the two of them to get some much needed plastic surgery. In fact Carli Fiorino should be telling Greta to back off. She should be telling Greta that she - Carli - ain't that ugly to where she needs the Queen of Fucked Up Faces to come running to her defense and rescue. If anything Fiorino should sue van Susteren for slander for suggesting that they are equally ugly. They ain't. Greta has that Ugliest Of All title all sewn up. It's nice of her to want to share it but it's also rude to whoever she wants to share it with.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari

letter to trump about the wall

the field of obstructed dreams

Dear Donald Trump,

     I think I have a campaign-slogan submission. It's in regard to the US-Mexico wall and it calls-up touching moments in Field of Dreams:       

                                                   

                                                   "If you build it they won't come."

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari

letter to trump about carson

 ben carson, the man of faith

Dear Donald Trump,

     I'm reading about that personal representative of Jesus, Ben Carson, proclaiming his superior sanctity when it comes to devotion and reverence to Our Lord as compared to what I guess he perceives as your truancy from the gathering of the saints. 

     These are the tactics of dyed-in-the-wool pieces of shit. This rascal is so covetous of political glory that he needs to proclaim his favor in the eyes of the Creator, whereas you, Donald Trump, have apparently fallen short in the eyes of Jesus. 

     Jesus, probably as fine a judge of personal merit as can be found.....well,  according to Ben, Jesus has been disappointed in your job performance when it comes to proclaiming the Lord. Why Jesus has not come to you personally about this and has instead decided to take Ben's word for it makes me think that Jesus might be afraid that you will pick-apart his  own imperfect physical characteristics. Assuming Jesus has any. I know that my Bible says that Jesus was "not a comely man." He was as ugly as Howard Stern, in other words, is how I read this. So Maybe Jesus is more comfortable getting the lowdown on your holiness from Ben, who I think we would all agree is a devilishly handsome man, a rakish rascal of attractiveness who cuts a fine figure on the runway, agile and catlike and swarthy, and we are not even talking about his worthiness in the eyes of the Lord, mind you. When we move onto his holiness, well then, we can only admire Jesus for Jesus' trust  in Ben's opinion of people's souls.

     I think you should approach Ben and ask him in all humility what he thinks you need to do to become more spiritually worthy in his eyes. Should you carry a Bible in your hands at all times? Should you start each debate-response with a short homily about the Lord? Should you ask for all to turn to their hymnbooks after each Q and A? Should you heal someone from the press corps by calling him up and slapping him on the forehead? Ben will know. He will know how to advise you. He has a key to the celestial bathroom. He has found favor with the Lord. We must pay him homage.  He is the Chosen.

     Let us pray silently.

     Thank you. 

Sincerely,

J.J. Solari  

letter to trump about jeb

                                                         taking Jeb Soundbites for sleep

Dear Donald Trump,

     I was lookin' at the ad yer runnin' of Jeb blabbering incoherently and boringly, with someone sleeping off to the side. I noticed a few things besides the sleeper. For instance; 

     What's with that very unheterosexual wrist-wrap that he's sporting? What IS that? A couture statement? Is that some new manly fashion accessory to keep one's wrist from going limpy? 

     And i notice he has his coat off and his sleeves rolled up for the hard work he is engaged in in providing a sleep-worthy atmosphere for everyone to slumber to. Do you really need to roll up your sleeves to speak in a droning monotone of pablum-filled baby talk? Is it really all that strenuous that you need to take your coat off to get down to the serious business of saying "it's for our kids" and "it will create jobs"? 

     And look at those hands. Those are the hands of a dainty little hand-model for dishwashing liquid. I'm serious, he has the delicate smooth soft hands of a Chinese nurse. 

     Has that sad-faced doofus ever done more back-breaking work than remove a tea cozy? What's with the rolled up sleeves with hands like that?  Is he trying to frighten his fingers? They're going to think he's going to actually do something he keeps rolling up his sleeves. His fingers could go into anaphylactic shock thinking they might have to actually do something more strenuous than scratch his scrotum.

     And is talking monotonously really all that exhausting a job? He should drape a towel around his neck, it might help convince everyone he's breakin' a sweat.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari 

trump letter about trump

why people like trump

Dear Donald Trump,

     You recently said in an interview, you were talking about our "negotiators" in the iran mess, you said "There's something wrong with them."

     And this is why people like you: you attack job performance and basic intelligence and basic competence rather than ideologies and philosophies and traditions and customs. You realize that things are done by individuals. Not by theories and philosophies. Things are done by individuals. And you critique these assholes as assholes. You don't criticize them as "mistaken," or "on a different path" or via some other vague critique. You criticize them as dumbass worthless employees who don't know their asses from goat's asses, many of which goats' asses they likely stick their dicks in. In order to do this believably you have to actually be different from these schmucks: you have to be actually competent, actually intelligent, and not have your head up your ass, you have to know a worker from a fucking dogger, you have to know a good person from a bad one, you have to know who lies on their time cards and who doesn't, you have to know who steals from the workplace and who doesn't, you have to know who's busy only when the boss shows up and who's busy just because they're paid to actually do something whether or not the boss is there. And you're one of these people who know the difference between a loafer and a worker: you are a competent accomplisher of progress and success in the real world where things matter; not in the political world where only wishing and hoping and bullshitting matter. Thank you.

Sincerely,

J.J. Solari 

trump-jabbar letter

Dear Donald Trump,

     The Muslim Negro basketball player who changed his name from a Christian one to an anti-Christian one and who  has a problem with you being President is strong evidence that the current popular theoretical assumption that black lives matter still has yet to be proven in the court of scientific testing, although it has been proven to some extent on the basketball court when it comes to counting-up the receipts. Cause black lives actually are good at running and jumping and taking things away from other people. And I guess fans will pay to see that in an arena that ensures they won't have things taken from them. At least while in the arena. On their way to their cars? Depends. Mainly on where the sun is. If it's overhead? Probly not a problem.

     Why a freak of nature, giant bamboo plant stick man  - who without the merciful blessing in his life of the American industry of professional basketball would be working as a pin spotter who could reset his own pins after each roll just by reaching forward - why this fortunate Basically Nothing Individual would claim to have any logical license to criticize one of the great American Free Enterprise builders under any circumstances much less this builder's ambition to run the Country......it defies belief. Lew Alcindor is not qualified to estimate the value and merits of used magazines much less Donald Trump.

     Thank you.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari

trump-5th rate journalist letter

Dear Donald Trump,

     The next time some bush league news reader with a Persian telephone book in his lap asks you if you know who Abdul Cowfukker Mohammed Salaam Buttfukki is, please don't squirm and hope that whoever it is will pop into your memory. Just tell them "Well, no, I never heard of him, but if he's a Muslim, boy-fucking, head-removing, child raping, koran reading licker of allah's dangling infected ball sack, i can guarantee you that after I take office, whoever he is, it won't make any difference who he is anymore to anyone or anything that is not a carrion-eater."

     

Thank you.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari

trump-brocaw letter

Dear Donald Trump,

 Well, I see tom Brokaw, who cannot pronounce the letter L proper-ry, says he would not show up for work if he had to cover your appearances and news-related events. Gee, if we had known that's what it took for him to get out of the news business we could have had you arrange to have him be on personal assignment to you 40 years ago, then we wouldnt have had to listen to his va-rient yet car-amitous attempts to speak. 

     Jesus anyway, who hires a fucking newscaster who sounds like he's vomiting up blood and dinner with every sy-rable. I guess NBC does. They're the ones still displaying a peacock as a logo to let everyone know they have some broadcasts in color. Like Bonanza. 

     Tom Brokaw doesn't have the intelligence God gave macaques, why does he think he would be even able to deal with your razzamatazz. He's about as listless as a fucking decorative toilet floor-rug.

He has the energy level of molybdenum. He has the originality of Thomas Kinkade. He wouldn't know a good idea if it had "good idea" written on it. And he's saying he would not show up to cover a news event with you in it? He about the only one who wouldn't, then, everyone else would be pushing to be first in line.

     I think what he is really saying here is he has no ambition. I thinks that's the garbled, marble-mouthed message here. that's he's worthless as an employee.

     Continue to give 'em hell.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari