Thursday, December 19, 2013

Jiminy Glick Interviews Henry Rollins

JIMINY GLICK: "Now, your father is Mandy Patinkin, is that correct?"
JIMINY GLICK: "Well, I don't mean to embarrass you in public, but as you can see by the picture of your father up there, you two are clearly related."
HENRY ROLLINS: "I am not completely sure I know who Mandy Patinkin even IS."
JIMINY GLICK:"Mandy Patinkin is, I am sure you know, your father, though why you would want to deny it I don't know, though perhaps you are getting even for him never admitting that he gave birth to you, or that his consort did, I am sure it was a consummation not approved of by God or by any of the churches, since you are obviously proving to everyone why he would have not wanted to own up to youuuuuuu."
HENRY ROLLINS: "I think if you were to have this man here he would be quick to agree with me that we are not related."
JIMINY GLICK: "Ohbutofcourseyou ARRRRRRE; I mean just look at the two of you, the both of you completely devoid of lips, that ALONNNNNE clearly shows that you two are father and son, I don't know why you would persist in denying the obvious."
HENRY ROLLINS: "You are completely devoid of a waist but that does not mean that a freeway-support pillar is your father."
JIMINY GLICK: "I have a waist, it's just closer to my ankles than to my pelvis."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Mandy Patinkin is not my father."
JIMINY GLICK: "You DID have a father, did you not?"
HENRY ROLLINS: "I did, yes."
JIMINY GLICK: "And it was Mandy Patinkin."
HENRY ROLLINS:"It was not Mandy Patinkin."
JIMINY GLICK: "I am going to move on. This is clearly a painful subject for you."
HENRY ROLLINS: "It's not anything for me. He's not my father. He's not even a neighbor."
JIMINY GLICK: "AHA! You say you don't even know who he is but yet you you know enough to know he is not your neighborrrrrrrr."
HENRY ROLLINS: "You're right; Mandy Patinkin is my father."
JIMINY GLICK:"Name dropping is a vulgar habit, I wish you would refrain from employing it in my presence. Now, according to this, you and Carrot Top are close friends and you write all of his comedy material."
HENRY ROLLINS: "According to what."
HENRY ROLLINS: "You said 'now according to this.' Are you asking me the question or is whatever "this' is asking me the question.
JIMINY GLICK: "Well, I am asking the question but I am asking it from this. This is where the information is and then I am trying to verify it from you. Which so far has been almost impossible. You are not what anyone would ever call a cooperative person are you. You seem to delight in confrontation and intense interactions with people rather than a calm and quiet dialogue and conversation swathed in peaceful wordplay, no, it is always a war with you, the air has to be rife with fury for you to be comfortable, am I not correct."
HENRY ROLLINS: "You are correct insofar as our conversation is concerned."
JIMINY GLICK:"But with Carrot Top you become a very mellow, easy to get along with person. Is this because you and he are romantically involved?"
HENRY ROLLINS: "I have never even met Carrot Top."
JIMINY GLICK: "And yet you wrote him a letter. I saw it on You Tube. A letter of affection."
HENRY ROLLINS: "It was not a letter of affection. It was a letter of inquiry."
JIMINY GLICK: "You were inquiring as to whether or not you two could ever become lovers."
HENRY ROLLINS: No, I was inquiring about his plastic surgery. Something I think you should think about having."
JIMINY GLICK: "Are you saying I am ugly?"
HENRY ROLLINS: "Well, of course, you are ugly, but no, I was referring to your ridiculous size. You have the dimensions of one of the planets of the zodiac."
JIMINY GLICK: "I already have had a procedure, i had a lapband and a tummy tuck. They have worked wonders for me. Dixie now can't wait for me to get ready for bed, she has bought me an entire new thong collection, most of the garments in a thoughtful yellow and brown combinational blend of shades just in case there are any mishaps of a bladderiferous or sphinctorial nature. Not that that ever happens of course."
HENRY ROLLINS: This is what you look like after having lost weight??"
JIMINY GLICK: "Oh, I haven't lost any weight, oh no, my dear boy, in fact I seem to have ballooned out to an almost spherical shape but I find that much more aesthetically pleasing than my previous elliptical
silhouette, although Dixie has complained that it is now more difficult for her to find my wand of romantic aggression."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Your what?"
JIMINY GLICK:"My wand of romantic aggression."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Would that be your penis?"
JIMINY GLICK: "That would be my penis, yes."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Why would anyone want to find that."
JIMINY GLICK: "Well, Dixie would want to find it."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Dixie? The Southern States? Why would the Southern States want to find your penis."
JIMINY GLICK: "Dixie is my wife. We have been married for, I don't remember for how long, but long enough for her to want to once in a while search for my penis. And now she can't find it. Not without a lot of searching. I am thinking about having my penis made larger but that would also necessitate finding it first before the work could begin."
HENRY ROLLINS: "This conversation could not be more repulsive than talking about your penis."
JIMINY GLICK: "Yes it could, we could be talking about your lower jaw. You take steroids, that's very clear, but it doesn't say here for how long. Did you start taking steroids as a child?"
HENRY ROLLINS: "I have never taken steroids. This is my natural jaw."
JIMINY GLICK: "I don't know why you would lieeeeeee. I really don't. It's clear to even a blind person that you are a juicer. I used to be one myself. That's how I got these incredible upper arms and upper legs."
HENRY ROLLINS: "And upper chins and upper neck and upper belly and upper ankles and upper calves and upper face."
JIMINY GLICK: "No, my boy, that was the donuts that did that, i love donuts. But it turns out donuts are filled with steroids, so it all worked out for the best, what you see is solid dynamic energy in cylindrical form. I am like a nuclear pellet, the energy potential is infinitely greater than the outward physical appearance would imply."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Your outward physical appearance implies a lot of something. I don't know if it's energy but certainly your volume level if nothing else is tremendous."
JIMINY GLICK: "I didn't know my voice was that loud. I'm sorry if I hurt your ears. Did you find that the steroid use affected the size of your testicles? It didn't affect mine, mine are enormous, I have enormous testicles, they are the size of persimmons. Do you know what persimmons look like? My testicles look like two of those. What do YOUR testicles look like."
HENRY ROLLINS: "My testicles look like two obloid Abram tanks."
JIMINY GLICK: That would make them very larrrrrge. How do you take steroids and yet have such large balls."
HENRY ROLLINS: "I do not take steroids."
JIMINY GLICK: "But you do sell them to Carrot Top."
HENRY ROLLINS: "I don't even KNOW Carrot Top."
JIMINY GLICK: "But you would like to so that you could sell him steroids."
HENRY ROLLINS: "I would not."
JIMINY GLICK: "Well he's clearly getting them from somewhere and you are the logical choice since you two are pals."
HENRY ROLLINS: "We are not pals!"
JIMINY GLICK: "But you two are very close pen pals. I am sure you are familiar with this video since you made it."

HENRY ROLLINS: "That was a pretend letter."
JIMINY GLICK: "To a real person. You do not write pretend letters to real people."
HENRY ROLLINS: "There is no clear proof that Carrot Top is a real person."
JIMINY GLICK: "Well. Then I guess we're done here."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Great. Next time you stick your dick in Dixie tell her hi for me."

My Anti Constitution Progress Thus Far

   Thus far there has been no progress. In fact if anything I have lost ground. Since preaching the word about the evil nature and overall worthlessness of the Constitution not only have I not made even one convert, my Friendly Base of Redneck Americans has turned on me and now consider me the enemy. Fortunately for me I am quite comfortable holding court with myself and with me as the only sovereign and with me as the only supplicant. In other words I dont see why I should lie to everyone just to have them like me. Having fools for friends in the long run turns out to be dangerous because fools will lead you into danger and won't know how to extract you from it. They are in fact doing this to themselves with their continued blind devotion to a - in fact retarded and pontificating - essay-of-commands that is more full of itself with self righteousness than obama is. IN FACT……based on the nature of the Constitution it was inevitable that sooner or later Obama would show up to be the fulfillment of all the Consitution's promises, all of which pointed to the inevitable appearance of a dictator. And now that the First Actual Presidential Dictator has appeared - the two Roosevelts were pikers compared to this asshole in there now - now that an official bonifide dictator has taken the reins, assuming he ever leaves office, his replacement will memorize what Obama has done and take things to the next level, if there is a next level because never underestimate the ability of a tribal Pleistocene nigger to leave no area of tyranny unexplored and unexploited. They are the ones that started tribalism and they are the inspiration for the Constitution in the first place: which is basically a blueprint on how to create a tribe of savages. Which it has done. America is now a tribe of individuals who are convinced everyone else's stuff is theirs. This is Monkey Reasoning. It's what chimpanzees do. The Constitution created the first Chimpness-Directed blueprint for self-eradication. Good job, founding fathers. I am going to force myself to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it wasn't intentional: that they honestly just didn't know any better. Which, based on their fashion sense, was very likely.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

My Life On Facebok

   My life on facebook i suspect is a very different one from the other lives on facebook. For one thing entries are always fascinating and unique. They all have an originality to them that even I find quite startling. When I decided at the age of 30 that I was going to be a writer, I immediately started jotting things down. In notebooks at first and then onto many hundreds of business cards that i had discovered in the trash. The trash was my closest ally in those days. It was like a magical provider. One day it handed me a pair of almost clean dungarees on a morning that I had gone to a construction job in dress pants having been up all night drinking. The crew members who were riding in the same vehicle were only mildny astounded that i would change out of one pair - my own - and into another pair - the trashcan's - on the sidewalk just before plugging in the power cords but i didnt care. i almost never care what people think about me or about what i am doing. but i do notice that they do in fact have opinions about me that are very rigid and fixed. i try and make sure that they are the wrong ones. i succeed 90% of the time with 99% of the people. but then i am not making a 100% effort either, otherwise it would be higher.
   I use facebook now the way i used to use the business cards: as a warehouse of aphorisms, observations, clever sentences, pissed off remarks and anything else i personally judge as worthy of sharing. my facebook history will be the only relentlessly interesting and entertaining facebook history in facebook history. i will have no equal. you have to be asking "well what good will that do you." Well it wont do me any good at all. but you see, i am a river. it will do everyone else a lot of good. and then when i am dead i will bask in their accolades as they say "he gave this away and asked nothing in return." which will be only partly true. i asked nothing in return but that doesnt mean i wanted nothing in return. i wanted 300 million  dollars in return. but i got nothing other than praise. one day its pants from the trash the next day its praise from the world. of the two the pants item is actually a useful one.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Nelson Mandela Virus

   I had to go to one of those "family" things that you get involved with when you get married, you get inlaws and then you get the friends of the inlaws and when you are the only politically astute member of the herd it's a real battle not be beating the shit out of all of them when they start preaching communism which basically all Americans now do because that's all they know and all they ever heard of and all they have ever lived under. So anyway there was a lot of Nelson Niggdela talk about the fake signer and oh my how is it possible that on so great an occasion for so great a - whatever he was, monkey, chimp, gorilla - for so great a member of the animal kingdom, how could such an event be so sullied" blahblahblahblah like as though Nelson Mandela was actually anything other than a Marxist revolutionary who brought down a portion of Western Civilization and turned it into a nigger hellhole. There would have been no way for me to ever convince any of them that the fake signer was just someone they used all the time to make believe that they gave a shit about the deaf. They would as soon shoot the deaf as accommodate them because that's who dies first in a commie regime, the sick and infirmed because they are useless in a labor camp. There was no way I could have convinced anyone that what was was plainly obvious - that niggers don't give a shit about anything -….was plainly obvious. To them Nelson Mandela is a great man because the newspapers say he is a great man and shitty journalism on a first grade level is basically all any American adult is capable of taking-in without falling fast asleep in the process.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Why Political Conspiracy Theories Only Come From The Right

   Right Wingers are convinced government is something God establishes. This means - to them - government has mystical supernatural aspects. The Left has no God oriented views about government. The know it's just people ordering other people around. It's secular. They know it's all about extracting stuff from group A to give to group B. It's about human bullying. They understand this and they like the idea. Meanwhile the right is convinced a deity is involved, usually Yahweh or Jesus. So when government isnt doing what they think government should be doing - whatever that is, since the Right is unsure what government's "job" is (unlike the Left who know government's job is to order people around) the Right, when things aren't operating government properly - which they think is a supernatural somethingorother - they have to come up with a suitably mystical or magical or Bigger Than Me reason. This always turns out to be an Adversarial Mystical Force. Namely a conspiracy among "secret people." Often the secret people are from space. When they are from earth they are involved in Black Magic. Since government is White Magic to them, only Black Magic can thwart it.
   The Left naturally scoffs at this. And since they are correct in doing so, the right has no way to fight this. Since they can never prove their position. they can't present a space person and they can't present a Black Magic Practitioner, ever. It's not complicated. Well it's not complicated to a Liberal. It's insanely frustrating to a Rightey, though. It eventually makes them completely bonkers. And they all end up arguing with each other over which conspiracy is the correct one. The Right is full of confused clowns  fighting the Left which is full of focused assholes. The Right cannot win.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Political Beliefs

   I am convinced the tribal beliefs - or political beliefs in other words - of every individual male are fixed into the infant from the adults in the vicinity within the first year of out-of-womb existence and then, like the shingles virus, take permanent hold at about age 40 when the infant is at the age that human primitive tribes "revere the wisdom of the elders." Or in other words, it's impossible to convert a Republican into a Democrat or vice versa.