letter to trump about krauthammer

charles krauthammer

Dear Donald Trump,

     That Charles Krauthammer is one ugly motherfucker. He looks like something from the George Lucas storyboard collection. His fucking upper lip comes to a goddamn point. Does he kiss girls?....or does he stab them to death through the face. Jesus. Can you imagine that menagerie of facial errors coming at you with eyes closed for a warm smacker? Holy fucking crap. You tell him to pucker up he would shred every ligament in the back of his neck trying to get the job done. Tendons would snap, the skin would pull tight against his skull and his eyes would blow out of their sockets. How romantic. He looks like a fucking terrapin. His love life has to be an ongoing Halloween of horrors. He could frighten women into running towards Harpo Marx. Howard Stern needs to take a good long look at Charles Krauthammer every day, he would never criticize his own looks ever again. Jesus, I just imagined Krauthammer and Greta Van Susteren breeding a coven of young. Their kids wouldn't have just been beat with an ugly stick they would have been tied to an ugly stick that was set afire and had another ugly stick drove through their heart. I mean we are talking treacherous-level ugly right now. How do you take someone seriously who looks that fucking ugly? I mean, journalism isn't supposed to be a safe haven for facially cursed, is it? On the other hand maybe being ugly makes you stupid. Which would make journalism almost a magnetic force for the ugly. If Jaime Pressly is drop dead gorgeous then Charles Krauthammer is raise the dead ugly. He could extinguish the sun if he looked at it. His face makes a hundred miles of bad road look like The Best of Playboy. How does he interview people without his puss being the sole topic of conversation? How do you discuss world issues with the guy looking at that FEMA emergency taking place right in front of you? There's no way he could chew the kernels off a cob of corn. He'd have to spear them one at a time with that spongy beak covering his biscuspids. Who ever heard of an aquiline lip? No one ever says anything? Maybe that's what he writes with. Maybe it holds ink: it looks like a pen nib. Maybe that's it: his mother was scared by a Waterman salesman.

Sincerely, 

J.J. Solari