Thursday, December 19, 2013

Jiminy Glick Interviews Henry Rollins

JIMINY GLICK: "Now, your father is Mandy Patinkin, is that correct?"
JIMINY GLICK: "Well, I don't mean to embarrass you in public, but as you can see by the picture of your father up there, you two are clearly related."
HENRY ROLLINS: "I am not completely sure I know who Mandy Patinkin even IS."
JIMINY GLICK:"Mandy Patinkin is, I am sure you know, your father, though why you would want to deny it I don't know, though perhaps you are getting even for him never admitting that he gave birth to you, or that his consort did, I am sure it was a consummation not approved of by God or by any of the churches, since you are obviously proving to everyone why he would have not wanted to own up to youuuuuuu."
HENRY ROLLINS: "I think if you were to have this man here he would be quick to agree with me that we are not related."
JIMINY GLICK: "Ohbutofcourseyou ARRRRRRE; I mean just look at the two of you, the both of you completely devoid of lips, that ALONNNNNE clearly shows that you two are father and son, I don't know why you would persist in denying the obvious."
HENRY ROLLINS: "You are completely devoid of a waist but that does not mean that a freeway-support pillar is your father."
JIMINY GLICK: "I have a waist, it's just closer to my ankles than to my pelvis."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Mandy Patinkin is not my father."
JIMINY GLICK: "You DID have a father, did you not?"
HENRY ROLLINS: "I did, yes."
JIMINY GLICK: "And it was Mandy Patinkin."
HENRY ROLLINS:"It was not Mandy Patinkin."
JIMINY GLICK: "I am going to move on. This is clearly a painful subject for you."
HENRY ROLLINS: "It's not anything for me. He's not my father. He's not even a neighbor."
JIMINY GLICK: "AHA! You say you don't even know who he is but yet you you know enough to know he is not your neighborrrrrrrr."
HENRY ROLLINS: "You're right; Mandy Patinkin is my father."
JIMINY GLICK:"Name dropping is a vulgar habit, I wish you would refrain from employing it in my presence. Now, according to this, you and Carrot Top are close friends and you write all of his comedy material."
HENRY ROLLINS: "According to what."
HENRY ROLLINS: "You said 'now according to this.' Are you asking me the question or is whatever "this' is asking me the question.
JIMINY GLICK: "Well, I am asking the question but I am asking it from this. This is where the information is and then I am trying to verify it from you. Which so far has been almost impossible. You are not what anyone would ever call a cooperative person are you. You seem to delight in confrontation and intense interactions with people rather than a calm and quiet dialogue and conversation swathed in peaceful wordplay, no, it is always a war with you, the air has to be rife with fury for you to be comfortable, am I not correct."
HENRY ROLLINS: "You are correct insofar as our conversation is concerned."
JIMINY GLICK:"But with Carrot Top you become a very mellow, easy to get along with person. Is this because you and he are romantically involved?"
HENRY ROLLINS: "I have never even met Carrot Top."
JIMINY GLICK: "And yet you wrote him a letter. I saw it on You Tube. A letter of affection."
HENRY ROLLINS: "It was not a letter of affection. It was a letter of inquiry."
JIMINY GLICK: "You were inquiring as to whether or not you two could ever become lovers."
HENRY ROLLINS: No, I was inquiring about his plastic surgery. Something I think you should think about having."
JIMINY GLICK: "Are you saying I am ugly?"
HENRY ROLLINS: "Well, of course, you are ugly, but no, I was referring to your ridiculous size. You have the dimensions of one of the planets of the zodiac."
JIMINY GLICK: "I already have had a procedure, i had a lapband and a tummy tuck. They have worked wonders for me. Dixie now can't wait for me to get ready for bed, she has bought me an entire new thong collection, most of the garments in a thoughtful yellow and brown combinational blend of shades just in case there are any mishaps of a bladderiferous or sphinctorial nature. Not that that ever happens of course."
HENRY ROLLINS: This is what you look like after having lost weight??"
JIMINY GLICK: "Oh, I haven't lost any weight, oh no, my dear boy, in fact I seem to have ballooned out to an almost spherical shape but I find that much more aesthetically pleasing than my previous elliptical
silhouette, although Dixie has complained that it is now more difficult for her to find my wand of romantic aggression."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Your what?"
JIMINY GLICK:"My wand of romantic aggression."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Would that be your penis?"
JIMINY GLICK: "That would be my penis, yes."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Why would anyone want to find that."
JIMINY GLICK: "Well, Dixie would want to find it."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Dixie? The Southern States? Why would the Southern States want to find your penis."
JIMINY GLICK: "Dixie is my wife. We have been married for, I don't remember for how long, but long enough for her to want to once in a while search for my penis. And now she can't find it. Not without a lot of searching. I am thinking about having my penis made larger but that would also necessitate finding it first before the work could begin."
HENRY ROLLINS: "This conversation could not be more repulsive than talking about your penis."
JIMINY GLICK: "Yes it could, we could be talking about your lower jaw. You take steroids, that's very clear, but it doesn't say here for how long. Did you start taking steroids as a child?"
HENRY ROLLINS: "I have never taken steroids. This is my natural jaw."
JIMINY GLICK: "I don't know why you would lieeeeeee. I really don't. It's clear to even a blind person that you are a juicer. I used to be one myself. That's how I got these incredible upper arms and upper legs."
HENRY ROLLINS: "And upper chins and upper neck and upper belly and upper ankles and upper calves and upper face."
JIMINY GLICK: "No, my boy, that was the donuts that did that, i love donuts. But it turns out donuts are filled with steroids, so it all worked out for the best, what you see is solid dynamic energy in cylindrical form. I am like a nuclear pellet, the energy potential is infinitely greater than the outward physical appearance would imply."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Your outward physical appearance implies a lot of something. I don't know if it's energy but certainly your volume level if nothing else is tremendous."
JIMINY GLICK: "I didn't know my voice was that loud. I'm sorry if I hurt your ears. Did you find that the steroid use affected the size of your testicles? It didn't affect mine, mine are enormous, I have enormous testicles, they are the size of persimmons. Do you know what persimmons look like? My testicles look like two of those. What do YOUR testicles look like."
HENRY ROLLINS: "My testicles look like two obloid Abram tanks."
JIMINY GLICK: That would make them very larrrrrge. How do you take steroids and yet have such large balls."
HENRY ROLLINS: "I do not take steroids."
JIMINY GLICK: "But you do sell them to Carrot Top."
HENRY ROLLINS: "I don't even KNOW Carrot Top."
JIMINY GLICK: "But you would like to so that you could sell him steroids."
HENRY ROLLINS: "I would not."
JIMINY GLICK: "Well he's clearly getting them from somewhere and you are the logical choice since you two are pals."
HENRY ROLLINS: "We are not pals!"
JIMINY GLICK: "But you two are very close pen pals. I am sure you are familiar with this video since you made it."

HENRY ROLLINS: "That was a pretend letter."
JIMINY GLICK: "To a real person. You do not write pretend letters to real people."
HENRY ROLLINS: "There is no clear proof that Carrot Top is a real person."
JIMINY GLICK: "Well. Then I guess we're done here."
HENRY ROLLINS: "Great. Next time you stick your dick in Dixie tell her hi for me."


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