George Clooney Says He's Related To Abraham Lincoln

   This would explain George Clooney's creepy dullness and skin-crawling eerie stupidity. Abraham Lincoln of course was the President who declared war on the Country he was President of. It is a tribute and salute to the effectiveness of State-regulated compulsory school that the idea that Lincoln was just the opposite of what he really was - which would be an insane dunce - has become about as entrenched into the American and Global head as the idea that the world was flat was believed by 12th Century Bulgarian chicken farmers. The customary attitude toward America's stupidest President is that he was a brilliant savior who suffered quietly because his Nation was divided in war. But he declared the war. He made it happen. He rolled the battlefield it out for everyone to play on. Which of course everyone did. I mean why have one government when you can have two. It was an exciting prospect to be sure and it caught on like fire catches onto silk. The South was hankering for local tax collectors and the North was reluctant to water down their own tax collecting apparatus so naturally there was a fight to the death. The right to your own tax collector is strong in the american spirit, especially when it is accompanied by representation. Of course you can't proclaim the idea of "no taxes" to an American, he starts to shake with the epileptic's version of paralysis: a kind of stationary vibrating hum emanating from the rigid, violently oscillating bones. Any red blooded American who is proud to call himself a red blooded American demands to be taxed otherwise his identity becomes nothing more than a spilled glass of water on the beach of Galveston during a hurricane: a meaningless, unnoticeable event changing nothing in the environment.

   Anyway my hat is off to George Clooney, proclaiming with pride a blood relation to the most blandly savage psychopath in American history, he has exceeded my previous estimates of his own dopey scaryness. I mean can there be a doubt in anyone's mind that George Clooney is a cannibalism case waiting to happen? It would not surprise me either if his relative, Abraham Lincoln, fed upon the unburied dead late at night at the battlefields he would visit. He looked like a lanky, unnaturally lean, uncomfortably tall ghoul hauled out of a tunnel in the Masonic dungeons of Washington by a summoner of evil and a co-mental patient and co practitioner in the eating of dead bodies.