Thursday, October 16, 2014

How To Talk To Cops

   Talking to cops is about the riskiest thing you can do in the normal course of your life as an American or even as a USA inhabitant, whether citizen or not. I distinguish between Americans and American citizens, by the way. And the distinction is huge.
   Sooner or later you will have to talk to a cop if you live in the United States. Either because you want to - which means you have some serious reality issues or you are a masochist - or because they force you to. You do have the right to remain silent but if a cop wants to talk to you bad enough and you don't want to talk to him he will arrest you and then he will actually ENJOY watching you exercise your fantastic right to remain silent. But if you exercise your right to remain silent prior to arrest - assuming you even have that right prior to arrest - then the cop is unhappy because you are winning the game of one-upmanship with him. So he fixes that. He arrests you.You then invoke your awesome right to remain silent under these heinous circumstances when only a moron would remain silent. Then he enjoys your silence. Because he sees your immediate future. And it amuses him what you are about to have to go through while basking in your right to not say anything about what's happening to you.
   All police officers and all law enforcement agents with the power of arrest are sadistic sociopaths. If they were not they would not be able to function properly on the job. The job they have has four duties: 1; to demand immediate obedience to them from absolute strangers with whom neither they nor any members of their immediate or remote families have ever interacted with, ever: 2; to seize and render helpless these same individuals if they so choose: 3; to transport or in reality kidnap them against their will to a location where policemen are headquartered and operate out of, and from there into a cement and steel room, usually small, or into a larger compound, the construction material of which can vary from concrete to tents or open ground: 4; to forbid them release, perhaps for years or decades or the rest of their life from said custody. 
   This is their job. All of those things put together. Exclusively. Day after day. For 20 years minimum if they wish to retire with full and generous benefits for the rest of their lives in reward for a job well done. The job being all the above things listed.
   You cannot do this list of acts even once forget about 20 years and be a normal person. You have to be a fucking psycho to do this lists of acts.
   There are two ways to be psycho: you can be intentionally psycho, as are mean sadistic people. And you can be delusionally psycho: as are about 50% of cops - the other 50% being legitimately psycho. These delusional 50% of cops are convinced they are saving 'the community" or "society" or some other large group of people they never met who they  consider to be helpless and at the mercy of the people the cops are "saving" them from. 
   The people the cop is actually interacting with, however - the arrestee in other words - he is not part of this larger group, for some reason; the group referred to as "the community" or "society." He is not a member of these groupls or whatever the group the cop never met might be being called that day. Rather, the arrestee is a "threat" to that group. And the cop "saves" the group by kidnapping and incarcerating the threat.
   The arrestee becomes a threat when the cop arrests him. Up until then the group just goes about its business. During arrest, however, then it is clear to all looking-on and reading about it in the paper the next day that he is a threat. Prior to his interaction with the cop the society or community probably was not aware that he even existed.
   Since, if he is talking to you and ascertaining you or sizing you up in other words as a future arrestee, talking to a cop is nothing to enter into unprepared. This is assuming you have some measure of an intelligence level. If you do not have some measure of an intelligence level then you probably are convinced that cops make things better and that they are "the good guys." Cops know when you think this. They are instinctively nicer to these people. They can feel the love pouring out of the citizen for them and they often become almost nobly benevolent to you if you respond in this worshipful way to the presence of a police officer coming your way to chat.
   However if you are aware that the friendly cop is in fact the most dangerous person in town then you will benefit from some guidelines on how to talk to these asshole pieces of human waste material and also how to not talk to them. There is also a way to listen to them. And a way not to listen to them.
   The most important thing to remember when interacting with a cop is that he is your dictator and judge and potential executioner. He can kill you if he wants to and he will get away with it, whether it - your death - is warranted or not. Usually it wont be. Usually he will provoke you into striking him or calling him something accurate. Then he will kill you. Well, he will try to. If he uses his fists and a club he will tire after 60 seconds and you will probably live through the assault. If he was in any kind of shape you would be dead. If he is very fat and visually repellent with piles and piles of accumulated flesh suet he will just shoot you. He will not waste energy wasting energy. Which beating on you would be to him: wasting energy; energy better used for eating more potatoes.
   Obedience to the cop is essential for your safety and for your peace of mind. Any command or directive should be immediately obeyed in a nonchalant manner and with no display of attitude. This calms and reassures most cops since - being inherently cowardly sociopathic unempathetic narcissistic idiots - they like the idea that you are awed and respectful of their imperious role in the Universe.
   Try and maintain the belief that the police officer is the most awesome creation in the solar system since God formed the galaxy. Act as though he is a philosopher and guidance councilor from the stars and that if he is talking to you it is to give you the intellectual and spiritual weapons and guideposts to lead you to a life of abundance and emotional fulfillment. You have to do this while listening to such stimulating remarks as, "Now, sir, if I was to reach down deep into the front of your underwear where your cock and balls reside would I find anything such as a weapon or a contrabanded item such as a narcotic or a lack of current registration, sir?"
   Which bring us to the issue of telling the truth to a piece of shit police officer. Lying to a cop is very risky business. Your chances of not being arrested decrease from No Chance of being arrested to a 99% Chance of being arrested when a cop catches you in a lie. Usually he will give you the opportunity of reducing your risk of arrest to only 50% After Catching You In The Lie by offering you another chance to tell the truth. This chance will usually be in the form of a very personal and usually disgusting, and often infuriating question, such as,  "Do you masturbate on a regular basis, sir?" "Are your girlfriend's tits real?" "Have you ever tasted your own cum?" "Do you like it when your mom fucks niggers?" The question that is being asked for the purpose of giving you the chance to reduce your liklihood of arrest from 99% to 50% is designed to rattle your teeth and gums and give you the chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of your new temporary deity. So you might want to answer truthfully. On the other hand you can usually lie and not have a problem since it is your emotional reaction to the question not your answer to the the question that is being monitored. The question will be so brutal that he will know immediately if you are lying, all your Lie-Cloaking Mannerisms will be knocked off kilter. Since he doesn't really care if you lie, since he only cares if you are thinking of taking a swing at him because of the question, if you answer and lie he will ironically know the actual truth. Because you will not be lying convincingly. 
   It's a twisted bizarre world of warped insanity in Copland, is it not?
   Interestingly, you can be caught in the middle of a heinous crime in the eyes of the criminal code and if you tell -  what to the cop is the clear and obvious truth…"Yeah, I just knocked this fucker's teeth out and kicked his balls into pudding: he ass-fucked my 8 year old son." - the cop is very likely going to forget he ever heard you say this. You told the truth to an obvious major infraction of the law and the cop - since he - not the court system, not a jury, not a battery of lawyers -  is the judge of your immediate future…..has decided to let you walk. He does not have to arrest you. He is not under any orders to arrest anyone. He just has permission to arrest anyone. He can let you go. He can watch you gun down someone he never particularly liked anyway and he can casually turn the other way and pop ten eclairs into his mouth and let you go and never tell anyone what he knows and saw. OR he can take you to jail on the start of your lifetime of incarceration. He decides. No one else. Just the cop that has been given existence by a sardonic pile of Founding Fathers - who never even heard of a television set or a gummy bear but are considered mental phenomenons of social engineering -  just that cop is what  determines the rest of your life here in America by making a simple yes or no decision inside his hard little ignorant, unlearned, asshole head regarding your fate. A fate which is completely within his two idiot, probably dirty-with-faceslobber hands.
   Remember, the cop is your judge. Not the court. Not the "system." Not the Congress. Not the city council. No. The cop is. He determines your immediate future: your immediate future being; whether you will be free under the Constitution or arrested under the Constitution. Plus he has likely - just like you - never actually read the Constitution. So he won't really care what it says and he won't care what you claim it says. Because he is more powerful than the Constitution. As least as far as you are concerned, and right at the immediate moment; until he says, "Thank you, sir, you have a good evening now." Then he releases his power over you and I think you can all actually recall having that feeling disappear from you at that moment; the moment he lets loose control of your life and returns control of it to you. You actually can feel the exchange of power from him to you. Cant you. Yes. You remember now, don't you; the moment that cop that day actually let you go. Until then your life was not yours was it. No. Your life was his. And then he let you go. And his power was gone. And yours was returned. It's almost eerie, isn't it?…..that feeling when you get your power back? It's almost as though the cop is a supernatural being and is using the Force, isn't it. If this was a different article I would actually explain to you the nature of that magical feeling of loss when the cop takes power from you and his power takes its place and when he releases his power and gives you your own power back. He get's that power from you. All Satanic power comes from you.  Even though you are not Satan. It's weird, no? But that's another blog entry. We need to get back to the assholes at hand: the police.
   Here is a handy rule: never have any of the personal-property items that will give the idiot cop what he considers a justification to ruin your life by kidnapping you for a few years in your posession if you are going to likely be interfered with by a cop. And that means While Driving!!!!! Because how many times has a cop pulled you over while you were a pedestrian. That's right, none. No, it's the highway that is the beat of the arresting officer. That's where he does his work because he can do it while sitting down. And cops love sitting down. So they do their job in cars. In fact they use their car - which you paid for -  to interfere with your car - which you paid for. The government roadway is where the government cops do most of their work. If there were no government roadways there probably would not be any cops. Which is a damn good argument for private enterprise to take-over the roads and highways and byways and to have no government roadways. To make cops extinct. Because then they would have no way of doing their jobs from a chair. So they would have to become accountants. After they learned to count. So they could do their job in a chair again.
   Listening to a cop is every bit as important as talking to a cop. When you listen to a cop - or I should say when the cop is speaking to you - never make a facial expression that he can interpret as rude or disrespectful or annoyed or put-out or bored or indifferent or anything else he can interpret as remotely non-subservient. Instead try to have on your face an expression you might have if you saw a supernova light up a portion of the night sky or if you saw a large meteor blow itself into glittering purple and red glorious and spectacular oblivion on the face of the moon; a kind of rapture mixed with a sense of having become suddenly very very lucky. You look at the cop with almost a transfixed expression, as though you are delighted that you are about to hear the voice of a god. The cop will notice this. Cops notice everything. Because everything is a potential excuse to arrest you. Which is what they live for. To arrest you and destroy your life. So they will notice this beatific expression as they talk to you. Immediately they will take a strong and impressive liking to you. Things go immediately and wondrously better if the cop likes you.
   Never contradict the cop unless it is a vital point of clarification. For instance, if he says "Hey, asshole, you just went through a stop sign." Do not object to being called an asshole. You cannot reasonably refute that or explain why he is wrong about that utterance. You can however dispute the stop sign part….if the stop sign is not actually there! "Officer, there actually is no stop sign at that location." A statement like this will actually surprise him and cause in him an immediate need to investigate. Cops love to investigate. He will immediately go check. If you are correct  in your assertion he will apologize and send you merrily on your way. If you are wrong he will write you a ticket - or maybe arrest you, but probably just write you a ticket - and likely not speak to you again until he says "Thank you!" as he leaves your vicinity.
   using foul language

   You have to have a bit of esp ability in order to use this with impunity and safety but most cops are guttermouth subhuman disgusting conversationalists. They are not offended by bad language. They are offended by bad attitudes. Bad attitudes toward them. A bad attitude toward someone else?….they could really give a flying fuck.
   "Yes officer, I realize i ran the red light but that mother fucking asshole behind me, I was fucking sure he was going to plow right into me so I said a hail mary and hoped that i made it across without killing some other poor dumb fucking bastard."
   "You say you almost got rear-eneded?"
   That is what the cop will hear. Not your language. Just the report of the incident itself. In fact the fact that you are calm and positive-enough of the cop's innate sense of judgement and fairness that he would not hold bad language against you…..this will help him to actually like you. It displays trust. And remember, it is important to get the cop to like you. It's also difficult. You have to understand a few things about cop mentality that are too vaporous and vague and almost mysterious to put into this lecture. It's an ability that is similar to the ability of Lang Ji, the Chinese 9 year old who can play an entire Phillip Glass concerto on the violin: you either have it or you don't; It just might not be teachable. But even as a novice nimrod the fact that you are always acting - and I do mean acting - under the Primary Directive of "try to get him to like you" will probably not make things worse. Unless the way you choose to get him to like you is to offer him a bribe or a sexual favor.

   using racism

   You really need to be a sophisticated player in this game to get away with this and have it turn in your favor but - for example - if you are white and you are being accosted by two - not one - but two white cops and you say something like
"I'll tell ya why I'm wearing this hunting knife outside my shirt, because I am on foot and this is a fucking Mexican fucking gringo-hating barrio."  They'll probably go - after a long mutual silence among everyone - "Ok. Be careful. Go through here as fast as possible is our advice."
   If there is just one cop accosting you, using any kind of racial epithet, no matter what the cop's race, he will interpret as troublesome.  You do it with two or more cops present: they'll conclude you are one ballsy dude, good for you. Maybe. Like I say, keeping one step ahead of cop-psychology and using their fucking stupidity and narcissism and bullying nature as tools to get them to actually like you: it's risky. you might almost have to be Italian and raised in a professional criminal environment to learn the automaticity of it all.


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