"Precepts" of the Church

The "Church" being spoken of here is the Catholic church. Since I am the only Catholic in history who has actually escaped from the clutches of the Holy Catholic Church, I have to assume, during those moments when I am not masturbating - I have a LOT of catching up to to - that it is my mission to at least pay lip service to the notion of perhaps guiding others to the path of freedom. I can also provide a useful service to non Catholics who might not have a clear understanding of the Catholic Church. Today's talk will therefore be on the "Six Precepts of the Church." I looked them up just now to make sure there were no changes, and there are now seven of the fuckers. They've added one. Catholics apparently now need to "evangelize" or else go to hell. You see the six - now 7 - precepts carry "serious or grievous matter" baggage. This means not obeying them is a "mortal sin." A "mortal sin" is one that deprives your soul of the status needed to get past Jesus and/or God The Father when you are dead. He looks at your soul and if he sees that it has all the whiteness removed and is replaced by the blackness of mortal sin, then you go to hell. God looks, checks things out, sends you to hell. Even if you don't want to go. Even if you like heaven. You don't get to stay there. You get to go to hell. The six precepts, or apparently 7 now, are, in merciful shorthand, go to "mass" on the "days appointed," go to confession once a year, go to communion once a year, fast and abstain on the "days appointed," contribute to the support of the church, and obey the "laws of the church" concerning marriage. Oh, and some new thing about evengelizing. I don't even know WHAT the fuckTHAT entails and i don't even want to find out, so fuck that one. The other six though?...I DO know what they entail so I will devote the whole lecture to those six for your education, in case you think you want to become a Catholic. I guess in a strange way I am actually obeying the 7th Precept by doing this: I am spreading the word. However I am doing it to decrease membership not increase it, so I don't think I am obeying the spirit of the rule. However I can say one good thing about all this: no matter how scurrilous and savage I might become in all this - at no time will the Catholic Church swear vengeance against me. Which would not be the case if I was railing against Scientology or Islam. But the "beauty" of the Catholic Church, if it has any beauty, is that they do not have to make threats against your body: they own your soul. And they know it. No one escapes. Only I have made it out. But they will not come after me. It would never occur to them to do so. It's not their thing. I'll give the fuckers that. Which in itself is a sign of self confidence on their part. Which I respect. Unlike them other two religions which are paranoid messes afraid of their own shadows and steeped in terror and fear and horror and screaming death. Oh, sure, I know what you're saying: what about the Inquisition. What can I say, I kind of liked the Inquisition. Besides, 99% of it was State Sponsored torture for political reasons. The Catholic church does not deal in physical torture. They deal in spiritual torture. Much more subtle. Much more sublime. MUCH more effective. At least they put a stop to it. The physical stuff. The other two religions have it goin' on full bore right now even as we speak. Or even as I speak and you are elsewhere, since I'm the only one ever here. You think I have a fucking problem with that? Fuck no. That's the way I like it. Then I don't have to hear your stupid fucking whining uppity complaints. Where was I. Oh, yes, the precepts. You have to go to Mass once a week. In a defined time space. And in a defined "attendance" of mind and attitude and attention. Otherwise you have committed a mortal sin and can go to hell if you die at that moment. If you don't repent at the last instant. You also have to go to Mass on 6 or 8, i forget, other days. Same punishment if you dont: eternal damnation. One of those days is Christmas, which really fucks up your enjoyment of Christmas, and one of the OTHER days is NEW YEARS DAY!! YEAH!! TELL ME THAT AIN'T OPPRESSIVE! TALK ABOUT INTENTIONALLY FUCKING UP YOUR HOLIDAY!!! TALK ABOUT PETTY MEAN SPIRITEDNESS!!! THIS ONE'S GOT IT IN OBAMAS!!! You have to go to confession once a year. You have to "do this correctly" also, otherwise, Hell. And Hell, like diamonds, is forever. You have to receive "consecrated bread turned into Jesus" once a year during the "Easter time." Which is about a 2 month period. Or Hell awaits. There are rules which apply to "proper reception" of the wafer of bread. Otherwise damnation. You have to "contribute to the support of the church." The amount is unspecified. Oddly enough. So you can't attack them for being mercenary. I'll give 'em that. Maybe a penny will keep you covered for life. It ain't never made clear. Hey, if it was, I would say so. You have to obey the "laws of the church regarding fast and abstinence." And these "laws of the church" regarding fasting and absinance are so OCD you will find yourself on a one way trip to the insane asylum if you take them seriously. And you are supposed to take them seriously. Otherwise, what: can you guess? That's right, you DID guess, Hell. For ETERNITY mother fucker!!! You also have to "obey the laws of the Church regarding marriage." These laws are legion. And none of them good. A lot of them involve your gonads.It's all bad stuff, too.. Real bad. No good parts. Ejaculating is especially monitored. Female orgasm, however, fair to say, is never discussed. I don't think that the Catholic Church as yet believes that there even is such a thing. The Catholic church BELIEVES A LOTTA THINGS!......that the female orgasm exists is apparently not one of them. Otherwise they would be forbidden. Just like the male orgasm practially is. Depending of course on if you're married or unmarried. And if you're a priest?....it gets even worse. You wouldn't believe it. With all this astoundingly hostile and determinedly negative attention on the gonads, especially a priest's gonads, anyone really surprised that priests are fucking weird as hell? To be perfectly honest with you. I should mention, if you haven't discerned it already, all of these "7" which are binding under "pain of mortal sin" which means Hell - all of these 7 have additional hundreds, if not thousands, of corollary rules and sub-heading rules and diagrammatic offshoot rules and additional stipulations that are all equally binding as the Major 7 Headings. Which means that OVER AND ABOVE THE TEN COMMANDMENTS AND THEIR CHURCH-INTERPRETED OFFSHOOTS WHICH CAN ALL SEND YOU TO HELL ARE THESE SEVEN NEW AND EVER-CHANGING CHURCH COMMANDMENTS AND THEIR SUB-RULES, BRINGING TO A GRAND TOTAL OF ALL THE ACTS AND BEHAVIORS AND FRAMES OF MIND THAT CAN INSTANTANEOUSLY SEND YOU TO HELL FOR ETERNITY, TWO BILLION, THREE HUNDRED MILLION, NINE HUNDRED TWENTY THREE THOUSAND 6 HUNDRED AND EIGHTY EIGHT. Wow. Hard to believe they even have one member. As it turns out they have millions. It's institutionalized obsessive-compulsive disorder of a magnitude almost exceeding Islam. In fact I think the Catholic church even has the Muslims beat for sheer ritualistic, superstitious, darkly depressing OCD manifestations. Is this a great planet or what?