Jewsus of Nazareth

In honor of Christmas 2008, a week away, I would like to present the Christmas Story. The story of Jesus, King of the Jews. The angel Gabriel appeared to Mary. "You are very special. We would like you to become the mother of God." Mary said, "Vat, you tink I vas bawn yestiddy? Ha: dis is da Messiah vee is diskossink hee. You vant me fa dis, it's gonna cost ya." The angel said "We will take care of everything, you can relax. You're compted the whole way. All we ask is that you do what we say." Mary said, "Ya kidding, right? Dis is an oppitoonity hee. Vat, you tink I vas born yestiddy? You musta picked me fa a reason. I'm tinkin it's because I am not a monkey like the rest of the people around here. Already I get da pictcha. Yahweh is the Dad of dis kid, i can see dat, I gut two eyes, I ain't blind. Dis is a big deal. King of the Jews heah. Already I can see there's gonna need ta be a fake dad. I gut just the guy. Oy, vat a chunk of man dis is. Looks like David Duchoveny." The angel says "We have picked Joseph." Mary loses it. "Joseph! He's barely alive!! He looks like Ed Wynn!! He's duller than Red Buttons! And, oy, he's more annoying than Sam Jaffee. And you know what his last name is? SCHICKELGRUPER!! AND he takes Viagra every ten minutes, AND it still does nothing, AND even if it did his dick's the size of a peanut. Don't ask how I know. I hear things. It's a small town here, you must know that, you found me, right?" The angel says, "Look: do not fuck with me. I'm an angel. I can annihilate you so completely your parents won't even remember you ever existed, that's how gone you'll be. Just do what we say." "Okokokokokokok. Jesus." The angel goes back outside and Raphael and Michael are standing there. So is Lucifer. Michael says "How'd it go in there?" Gabriel says, "She's a handful. Very annoying. Her DNA in this kid COULD be a mistake. WHO'S idea was this????" "Yahweh's." "Ok, ok, Whatever. What are YOU doing here, Lucy?" "Don't call me that." "LucyLucyLucy!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" "You fucking shit. Real brave when Mike's around." "Just tell me why you're here, asshole." "Just tryin' ta figure out what the fuck's goin' on, is all. See what you pricks are up to." Meanwhile word gets out Mary's pregnant. So eventually Jesus gets born. Three kings show up and bring presents. "Vat's dis?" Joseph askes them, pointing to the stuff. "Gold, frankincense, and myrrh" they respond. Joseph says "Da golt is good. Dat I can use. But vat is dis Frankenstein shit? I nevah hoid uv dat, vat iss dat. And Moiah??" "Myrrh." "Moiah?...DAT I gut no ideah vat dat iss. Vat, you couldn't bring some nice food? Some FOOD would be nice. Holy crap, you see any food heah? Oy, vee came by goddamn DONKEY 300 miles, fa gawd's sake, ve gut no food left. Sure, it's on-the-hoof. It's a stable. But what am I, da butcher? I'm a cahpentah. You like dis manger? I made it myself, almost from nuttink. I'm good, I tell ya. Feel dat. Cherry wood. You can't get dat heah. Jewsus, the new kid, he done it. Made it appeah. Don't ask me how. If I knew we'd be on the road, doing the Catskills " The infant Jesus immediately changes the gold and frankincense and myrrh to delicious middle eastern kosher treats; some nice fruit, some Mogen David, some delicious schaav, some hot matsoball soup, bagels, lox, cream cheese: a really nice spread. Joseph goes berserk. "NOT DA GOLT YOU IDIOT! DA GOLT VEE CAN USE! DA FRANKENPOOP AND DEH MOIAH? i DON'T EVEN KNOW VAT DAT ISS. SO IT'S NO BIG DEAL IT'S GONE. BUT DA GOLT? NOW IT'S SOUP. HOW WE GONNA PAY FA DIS SHITTY ROOM MIT ZOOP!!!" The shepherds show up. They look inside. They start to enter the stable. Joseph shouts "HOLD ON! Vat you vant!" One of the shepherds says "The sky filled with angels all singing and said to come here, that the savior of mankind was just born in here." Joseph said "You bring tings?" One of the shepherds said "What do you mean, 'tings.'" "You know, Freebies. Lookit dese kings of the From God Kows Where here. Dey had the DECENCY to bring tings. Some MANNERS vee are talkin' here. So: whattaya gat. And not sheepshit either. I gut dat in here already. Oy, it stinks in here." The shepherds said "We have nothing. Only a wish to see the savior." "Ha." Joseph said, shooing them away and out the door. "I haf no time for your cheapass shennanigans. Come back when you have..." and touching the side of his nose over and over and winking angrily "some manners. Kapeesh? Wet my beak a little, ok??? Den ve'll talk." The shepherds left and went back to their hillsides, looking back at the stable from time to time and frowning. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!