Why Shumer Can't Handle The Press

Actually it ain't just Schumer. I have been nagging Trump for a year, even before he got elected - cause I knew he would get elected - I been nagging him for a year to make me press secretary. I'm the only person on earth who understands the press. I'm the only one on earth who understands why they're all fuckheads. Reporters; anchormen; news "analysts;" correspondents - they're all frustrated novelists. What they want to do is write fiction and become rich and famous. But they will settle for having their name on a "news" story. Their editors - and they all have editors - are even worse. Editors of the printed word are, except for one in a million, a form of hollow-shelled spiritual losers that even Satan finds repugnant. So these editors all strive to make their "writers" into the same sort of soulless losers the editors are. Not that a lot of journalists are not quite happy to be self-starters in the vileness category, they are.
     Whatever, the upshot of it all is that "the press" is made up of frustrated untalented, unprincipled novelists. So inventing "news" is what comes in second for them.
     Also, all writers, except for myself, are communists. Writers become writers because they are lazy people, especially intellectually lazy people. But physically lazy too. You will never encounter a writer who is either in shape or who has his head on straight.  And to encounter one with both? You would have to encounter me to encounter that dude. Plus I'm 73. If you make it to 73 and you haven't figured everything out about the world of global politics by then then you're hopeless. How does it feel to be hopeless, punk?