New Overland Letter To Trump

Dear Donald Trump; I see Chris Christie has torn himself away from the buffet table to take shots at you. I wrote you a response you can have for free.

   "Ya know, I love Chris Christie, I think he's a terrific guy, I think the world of him - in fact a lot of people i've talked to think he IS a world. And I think that's a bit uncharitable. I don't think he's anywhere near that big. An archipelago at the most. An island chain of cholesterol surrounded by oceans of fatty acids, perhaps.

    

   I know that he does not like some of the things I say. He does not like me talking about fences. He says something to the effect 'never trust a man who talks about fences.' And I can see where he gets that; to him a fence means a barrier between him and whatever food might be on the other side of it. But like I say I love the guy. I think he really needs to get on some sort of health regimen however. I mean if he gets an embolism, the explosion is going to be so loud  it will be heard from one side of his stomach all the way around to the other. And I mean that's a circumference the orbit of Mars would be proud to have, and really, I think any planet would love to have that, I really do. 

   

   No, but I kid Chris a lot and that's because I love the guy. But I never have him over the house. I should say over TO the house: I think it's pretty clear I could not get him OVER the house. But no, what I mean is, I never have him over TO the house because let's face it he would eat more than my entire family. And I have a big family. A lot of relatives. And if you count all my wives that's over 500 people. So what would that look like: 500 people....and Chris Christie......all staring at the buffet table. Who do you think would win that race. And of course Chris would. I mean really, 500 people who are quite capable of postponing a meal or two..... facing-off against a man who needs to consume his own body weight every ten minutes or die of calorie-deprivation-based PTSD. 

   

   And let's face it, Chris is a big guy. That traffic jam he allegedly created in his home State? The story they want you to believe is that there was an entire repair crew fouling up the works. That's not the story I got. Christie was lowered in a seated position from a helicopter into the middle of the roadway and once he was on the ground the chains and ropes and girders were pulled away. And that's where he stayed. Nothing got past that roadblock for 12 hours. The only thing that thinned the traffic at all was Chris ate some of the cars. Ok, that was a cheap shot. He didn't really eat any cars. He just blocked traffic. Really. He didn't eat any cars. He just blocked traffic. For 12 hours. That's all he did. He blocked traffic. 

   

   Now I know a lot of people are claiming he is losing weight. I dont know if that's true: that he's losing the weight. I think he's keeping track of it. Wherever its going I think he's keeping an eye on it. I dont think he's losing it. 'Cause I know Chris, he's going to want it all back. He's like me, he doesn't like losing. Sure, we're talking apples and oranges here or I should say apples and barrels of cheesecake, me being the apples. But not wanting to lose is a good trait and I think he'll be back on the road to being Earth's only surface-based satellite very soon. I really mean that. 

   

   Thank you, you've been great."