Jesus' Parables Made Easy

i was reading one of jesus' parables. rich guy takes a trip. calls three of his workers over and gives them some dough. "i'm taking off, hold this money for me." first guy doubles the dude's money making shrewd investments in columbian coke. second guy doubles the dudes money opening up a brothel. third guy buries the money. rich guy comes back. holds a meeting with the three. first two say here's twice what you gave me. second guy says the same. third guy gives him back exactly what he was given to mind. rich guy says what the fuck is this! guy says "i know that you are a shrewd investor. i am not. i buried it and left it so's i wouldnt lose it." rich dude says "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!! YOU COULD HAVE PUT IT IN THE BANK AT 2%! YOU BURIED IT? YOURE FIRED!!GET THE FUCK OUT! GO LIVE WITH THE STREET MUTANTS!!"
now at no point in this entire parable did i see anything about fucking or masturbation or drinking or smoking dope or smoking cigarettes or dancing or faggots. i just saw shit about capitalism. 
so here's my question: who the fuck allowed christianity to get hijacked by christians??