Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Big Homie, The Perhaps Hells Angel

Big Homie is - apparently - a Hells Angel who does rap. Very bad rap. The rap part I am sure about. The Hells Angel part I am still trying to verify. If he IS a Hells Angel either the Hells Angels have lost their minds or else...well, I guess there is no other explanation, actually.
   The Hells Angels have a hankering for show business deep down in their oil and semen-soaked boots that has been there from the very beginning. Immersing themselves in the common culture of the day and times has been an ongoing avocation, a kind of Camp David, from their day to day routine of fighting in bars and saloons and casinoes and taking every kind of drug that there is all at once, and they have had this sideline from the very beginning. When really badly produced and written and filmed and acted biker gang movies began to appear regularly after the success of The Wild One, the Hells Angels were quick to get their Screen Actors Guild cards and go to work in front of the cameras just pretending to be drunken lunatics instead of actually being those things like they are in real life. Apparently movie work is good for Hells Angels because in all the time they were making movies there were never any reports of a ruckus or bad behavior or of not showing up on time or being in any way prima donnas about how to deliver their lines and there were no complaints and snit fits about trailer accommodations or demands for orange juice mixed with tapioca beads or soothing emollients in a bowl heated to 80 degrees for their faces and skin. Nope, they showed up, put in a days work in front of the cameras and went back home to their hijacked coyote dens in Big Tujunga Canyon, peacefully taking acid, drinking beer, and burying bodies.
   So show business is in the Hells Angels' blood. It's part of being in California. It's what we fucking do here.
   But this rap shit.......
   Not only is this untalented silly balloon rapping - it's terrible rapping. I know what you're saying, how could it not be terrible rapping if its rapping at all, that's its only variety, the terrible variety. I understand that. But even the rappers who make a good living at rapping have standards of excellence and presentation and creative complexity that sets them apart from....well, people like Big Homie, for instance.  Even the insane people who think they can sing who audition for American Idol would giggle in embarrassment at this wrecking ball of awfulness.
   The Hells Angels must be feeling sad or alone or all teary and all angry at their witeness or something because they have apparently instructed this fellow, who is apparently a singing spokesman for the club, to  "BE A BADASS NIGGER, DUDE!"
   Well,  first of all,he fails at coming across as badass, he is more blowhard-ridiculous than badass, he just looks like a fat guy who wants to have felons for friends, but as far as being a nigger, he does that pretty good: he looks as silly as a macaque on Ripple, in other words. He does all the stupid stuff niggers do in rap videos, but, alas, with none of the fiercesomeness that a lot of them manage to convey.
   There is also a very noticeable absence of hot chicks in short shorts running around. I mean, you're making a rap video about how manly you are and there's no naked women in it hanging on your hip and looking winsomely up at your bloated lineless, experience-free face?
   That just ain't right. That's just fucking weird, baby.
   He is surrounded by half breed and quarter breed and eighth breed fat Mexican San Fernando Valley idiots from Pacoima. This means that his first loyalty is to Mexico because Mexicans from Pacoima hate the United States, they think California was stolen from them personally. So fucking-up gringoes on American soil is an act of war and patriotism, not criminal activity.
    In order to demonstrate his newly Mexicanized loyalties,  he spits at "a rival biker" -  a white man with greying hair who is dressed up, it looks like, like a Mongol. The Mongols and the Hells Angels don't get along very well, they get all perturbed when one sees the other and they start shooting bullets immediately back and forth and it doesn't really matter too much to either one who is in the way. The situation is always in a volcanic state or a pre volcanic state. So Big Homie - which is probably the stupidest name in the history of the stupid art form that is Rap - Big Homie with the unoriginal dance moves and leaning and swaying body posture of a white ape has decided things need to be livened up so he in essence, in his vaulting brilliance, he has  decided to be les provocateur!! "Ha Mon ami, you are thinking perhaps to ride your petty little motorized two wheeled vehicle to les same les gas station as les moi??? HA!! I spit in your ger-er-al die-rection, mein puto amigo!!!"
   Nice: the Hells Angels are showing the Mongols how tough they are by spitting on a Pretend Mongol  in a terrible rap video that is an embarrassment to Mun Dos, the Bad Mexican Videos channel. A bad entertainer with no talent is going to single handedly provoke a shooting war between what the Federal government calls "warring armies of killers."
  What very little I know of the Hells Angels includes the assumed fact that Hells Angels do not spit on people. They run up to them and knock them out. When they are in a good mood. When they are riled they keep hitting you till you wake up and then knock you out again.
   Big Homie spits at people. He would have probably thrown one of his turds at the guy if he could have reached his hand around his side, stomach, or back, to get to his ass. Which is unlikely that he can.
   So he just spits at the guy. For wanting some gas. And of course the Mongol-type, why he just thinks "Why this gentleman is spitting at me, I had perhaps best just mosey-on along to a different gas station rather than risk a confrontation with this warrior." And off he goes. For he has learned his lesson: do not fuck with Big Homie when he spits at you for no reason at a gas station.
   Homie the Spitter. He spits at other bikers. White ones.
   Good, Homie. What a great idea for a video. You must be some asset to whoever it is you are really working for. Tell me, would it be Obama?
   Now, apparently nobody told anyone that this was a bad idea. Just like nobody at Coke told the CEO that "New Coke" was a bad idea. Just like nobody at Colonel Sanders told the CEO that changing the name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC was a bad idea. Just like nobody at Wendys told the CEO that showing what the little girl on the Wendys logo looks like now and having her actually do the commercials while waddling around like a tank and sneering like a villain and looking and talking like Satan's Wife was a bad idea.
   And so it was, nobody told the Hells Angels that Big Homie singlehandedly bringing down the empire was a bad idea.
   The song itself, if that's what you call nursery rhymes that are not very interetsing, is bad. I mean this is bad "music." The video itself is worse than bad.  It has all the creative elements of 9 year olds in the garage deciding to Let's Put On A Show!!
   The bike that Homie is riding is ridiculous. It has a fairing. And a very dorky one. It looks like it was designed and painted by a candystriper from Korea. The Gangnan Style dude wouldn't ride it, it's too silly. I'm not even sure it's a Harley which in itself smells like an Obama Productions foe pah.
   He wears Khakis. He even mentions that in the song. He mentions that he has his Khakis on. Mexican wannabe thugs wear Khakis and clean white t shirts. They have been wearing that uniform in San Fernando since 1955. His buddy along side him on the other motorcycle looks about as fearsome as a contestant on Jeopardy. He is also in khakis.....and he is wearing VANS!
   You don't wear gay emo tennies on a motorcycle. No matter how tough you are, it's just not a good idea. You announce to everyone that you are mentally impaired by doing so.
   Now, there is a lampooning biker club called Douche Larouche. They lampoon themselves as hard riding hard drinking hard living bikers. They clearly are not. Their club president is a box boy from a supermarket who giggles and wears Trekkie and Star Wars paraphernalia. But they are very funny.
   Douche Larouche must have put whoever Big Homie is up to this as a goof. And apparently Big Homie - being Big Homie - didn't get it. Not that this video is funny, you understand. It isn't. It's just, basically, disgraceful. I mean it reeks from here to Cowloon.
   It's also provocative in that his - Big Homie's -  problem isn't with the cops, oh no, the cops are kind of cool in this video, they are packing these dopes off to jail from the getgo. No, this guy's big problem is another biker from another club! Yeah! Let's promote biker warfare! What a sterling idea, Homie!
   Big Homie HAS to be working for Villaregosa. And Villar works for Obama. And something like this is what Obama would come up with. He dreams up weird fucked up shit like this on a regular basis. And I bet I am not far from wrong here. Obama sits back and smokes joints with the Crips and the Bloods on the White House (what's left of the) Lawn, and they think of stuff like this cause they know Whitey will think it's cool trying to get the Mexicans, (who also want to be negroes, apparently) to do a "biker" video that incites biker war between clubs. Sounds like Fast and Furious, the Domestic Version to me. Good job, Big Homie, you're not just eating french fries and donuts 24 hours a day, you are using that noggin too! Yeah!

   It turns out big homie actually is a hells angel. its the end of an era. god help us all. america is over. obama and the mexicans won.



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