How I Know All Sports Are Rigged

 I come to conclusions in ways different from the way other people do. Other people come to conclusions by using their cocks and their stomachs: "I'm horny and want to fuck the cat so therefore there is no God." "I want a gallon of ice cream to eat immediately so therefore Keeping Up With The Kardashians is a good show." This is how other people think and reason and figure things out. I don't use that method all of the time. Oh I use it some of the time but not all of the time. Sometimes I will simply observe what is there and proclaim it bogus or legitimate, accurate or inaccurate, right or wrong, stupid or smart, nice tits or no.
 

If you meander through the huge casinos of any major hotel in Las Vegas at some point you will come to a large room, usually very large indeed, with a hundred big-screen tv sets all over one of the walls. This room will have church-like seating and will be in dim lighting with individual small lamps for each visitor sitting in there and a counter in front of them for them to write and make notes and generally make fools of themselves under the guise of "figuring things out."
   This room is called "the sports book." That is the name of the room. The sports book. "Hey let's leave the slots and check out the sports book!" "Ok!" and off you go, off to the sports book.
   On the tv screens that you have to look up at so that everyone can easily see them is a live broadcast of every fucking sporting event taking place on Mother Fucking Earth at that very moment all over the goddamn mother fucking globe.
  You can bet on the outcome of these games.
   I do not play games of chance or make Rules of Probability wagers. I don't "gamble," in other words. I will make a "real world" wager: will it rain on the day I want to get a tan?....I bet you five bucks it does. That sort of thing. It's rare but it happens.
   The average schmuck idiot, he goes into the fuckin' sports book thinkin' that because of his intimate understanding of the nature of sports and his innate inventory of athletic parameters and his whirlwind flowing invigorating inspiring majesty in the science of movement....he can predict and foretell and proclaim before it happens the outcome of a sporting event.
   This idiot is totally kidding himself. Because a simple "mental experiment" as my fellow genius Einstein called them, will tell even a faggot "what sex am I?" mongoloid named Barack that sports are rigged.
   Here is the experiment, see if you can follow along, not everyone can do this:
   ...what if you were to stroll by the sportsbook one day after having lost all your money at the roulette wheel and you looked over at the banks of tv screens illuminating the cathedral-like inner arena of prayer and you saw that the only thing on the sports book was the posted-odds on whatever election was being held that day anywhere on the earth, with moving images of people lined up to cast their vote for this fuckhead or that fuckhead or for whatever array of reetards was running for the whatever office he was running for in order to take someone else's stuff legally and against their will, and you saw that the local election of cow-fucker in Hindufuckland was on the screen and next to it the head boyfucker mayor of Ejaculate Missouri was on the screen next to it, with the American Presidential election next to that and the election of the sheriff of Assfuck Arkansas was next to that, why, you would screech to a fucking halt faster than a whore halting the lifting of her skirt upon learning that her john was going to pay her in Summers Eve-flavored Tictacs. You would screech to a rug-burning stop and gasp "Why are there odds being made on elections?....that would imply that elections are rigged and corruptible and they are not, they are holy and sacrosanct and proclaimed by God and Jesus to be At One with Heaven. This has to be stopped! This is making elections banal and suspect!"
   In other words you would be immediately wondering - and wondering very hard - if elections were just a global con designed to entice the foolish to wager on them, and which the results of which could be altered under the right circumstances once in a while to accomodate a very large bet by a very influential person on a very longshot candidate.
   In fact everyone who ambled past the sportsbook and saw this new arrangement would become completely fixated on finding out just what in the hell is going on here?? Are elections suddenly gambling fodder with bookies calling the shots rather than Divinely Instituted Declarations of The Peoples' Wisdom??
   Or in other words, in case you are completely lost, elections should be included in the sportsbook because they are rigged - but they are not included. And the reason they are not is because elections would immediately come under suspicion if they did appear in the sportsbook. And nobody in politics wants that. Because on some level everyone knows professional sports are fixed. But it's just sports, so who cares. It's not something so majestic and holy as an election. Which are not fit fodder for the sportsbook. Elections are religious ceremonies wherein magic and miracles and signs and wonders happen daily. Sports are just sports.

   So that's how I know elections are rigged. I mean sports.