Sarah Palin's Alaska

I watched episode one of Sarah Palin's Alaska last night. I still have blood coming out my ears. She has a droning voice that cuts deeper than the edge of a broadsword coming down, and through, the top of a head. She addresses the camera like there are only 5 year olds listening at the other end. She drones on and on and on like its kindergarten class. She has a family the size of an elk herd and none of them ever say anything. It's all marginally creepy with really great scenery. Her husband Todd is even more Todd-like than is usual with Todds. He never speaks and seems barely conscious. It is like he walked into a propeller at the age of five. There simply seems to be something wrong. He has no emotional range of any known life force. It is like he is a bland robot. He one of those circular mouth-beards that is a directional device to men in the public restrooms to show them where the dick goes. Blowjob beards, I call them. I guess they have some other name. I call them the beards gay men wear. They are very silly looking. It's a silly and very gay thing to do to one's - already idiotic - facial hair: trying to make it look "nice." If you are going to have facial hair, just let it happen. Don't fucking do architectural renderings with it. Either let it grow or cut it off. Don't fucking manicure it like a trellis vine or a window box full of posies. So anyway he's got one of these circular, around- the-mouth gay monstrosities on his face. It could be he wants to go full-on backwoodsman with the facial hair but that Sarah will only allow a sort of gay appurtenance to be planted and cultured on his mug. The rest of the family, except for Piper, seems to be on some eternally-wary pathway of silence. Willow, who is a fucking fox, is apparently getting plowed by some rutting teenager who sits around the place like a muted rabid dog who is having a tough time pretending he is a casual visitor and not someone who is getting his cock alternately and frequently sucked, jacked, tit-fucked, and surrounded by hot teen pussy at every possible moment when Mom leaves to go chop down a pine tree. The sound of Sarah Palin's voice would drive jackels off a freshly dead zebra. It is really the most grating banal bone-jarring harpy screech ever aired on evening television. The sentences are endless, droningly jarring, and always devoid of content. She has absolutely NOTHING to say. Which is fine, most women have nothing to say. Unfortunately this woman with nothing to say is hosting and starring in and doing all the narrating of an HOUR LONG television program. As television shows go it's pretty brutal. As "reality" shows go, it's probably the most endurable because it is devoid of emotional drama and histrionics. It is devoid of emotion generally. The glaciers of the local terrain have more life in them. The family moves about as though they are all on leashes and are trained to show no personal energy. Except for Piper. She seems to have been allowed to express herself. Maybe that will come to an abrupt halt the first time she feels a strange desire to do something between her legs other than eject piss. Maybe Mom is just at a loss at how to interact with someone who has an identity. I dunno. I do know that Willow is a seething tempest of magnetic
beauty. She goes around like she has a treasure chest of secrets that she is prepared to reveal if anyone gives her any crap about anything. But let's return to Sarah's voice. Jesus God, it would unplug a dirty drain. It's that abrasive. If there was ever some actual content in the utterances, it would not be that much of a problem. If there was something coming out of that clarion, bleating throat that you could get your thoughts around to divert your attention from the noise, things would be fine: we always overlook a social shortcoming if there are overriding perks of usefulness. And I would call having a voice that would de-louse a
Sicilian a social shortcoming. Apparently no one connected with the production staff has told her "You need to shut the fuck up or else say something genuinely interesting, Mrs. Palin. Cause your voice would crack walnuts." Nobody seems to have said that. Maybe by episode 6 someone with no concern about his personal future in television or politics will tell her. It could be that the whole family has been driven stone cold deaf from ear damage and that is why Sarah does all the talking. And maybe that's why she pumps up the volume of the talk. But, really, by the 45 minute mark the instant she would start to hellishly yammer about absolutely nothing as though she was discussing the wonders and intricacies of fractals I was actually yelling at the screen SHUT THE FUCK UP HOLY FUCKING SHIT GIVE IT A FUCKING REST JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT NO MORE SHUT THE FUCK UP! PLEASE!! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Usually when I yell at the screen Cecily gets emotionally drained but this time she just kind of stared at the screen quietly as though she was praying in her heart that Sarah Palin could hear me and that she might find it in HER heart to comply. Didn't happen, though.