Monday, November 22, 2010

I Interview The Pope About African Penises

After the Pope made a remark that African male prostitutes might as well use condoms to prevent aids, I sought and received an interview with him. It went like this:

JJ: "You mentioned African male prostitutes specifically in your remarks, does this mean that you think about African mens' penises more than you think about, say, Rumanian penises?"

Pope: "As you know, it is my duty as the Visible Head of the Church to think about all mens' penises equally. I know that I am opening myself up to accusations of racism having made my remarks only about Negro penises. I can assure you all penises enter my thoughts at one time or another. Even yours, though I have not seen it. The Catholic Church has been thinking about penises for 2,000 years. We even have a feast day called "The Circumcision" on which if you do not attend a Catholic Mass, which is the 'unbloody sacrifice of the cross,' you will go to hell. The feast of the Circumcision celebrates Jesus having his foreskin sliced off 8 days after he was born. Now circumcision is a specific religious duty of the Jews, the 'remnant' of Ancient Israel. But the Catholic Church of Rome, while not Israelite, DOES like the idea of circumcision because - as you probably know - it involves the penis. The Catholic Church is extremely penis conscious. Are you circumcised?"

JJ: "No."

Pope: "Have you ever thought about it?"

JJ: "No."

Pope: " I find that almost irresponsible."

JJ: "Not thinking about it?....or not being circumcised."

Pope: " Both. Would you like me to circumcise you?"

jj: "Have you done circumcisions before?"

Pope: "No. But you are here and we ARE talking about it. Present to me your penis and I will remove your foreskin."

JJ: "I don't want my foreskin removed."

Pope: "It won't take a minute. Let me find a knife."

JJ: "I don't want a circumcision. I want to talk about condoms on male prostitutes in Africa."

Pope: "Either matter is fine with me. As long as penises are involved."

JJ: "Do you ever think about Chinese penises? Or is it mainly African."

Pope: "I think about all penises. It is a tradition of the Church that all Catholics think about penises 24 hours a day."

JJ:"This seems odd insomuch as 'playing with yourself' is a mortal sin - and a mortal sin is one so greivous that if you die without forgiveness you go to hell for eternity."

Pope: "You are very understanding of right and wrong, I am impressed. Usually men with foreskins are a bit slow in their understanding of things. For example, they do not understand the need for circumcision. Are you SURE you would not like for me to circumcise you?"

JJ: "We'll see. Why does the Catholic Church focus almost exclusively on penises? Jesus never mentioned penises. Or fucking for that matter. In fact he saved a woman's life who the people wanted to kill because she was fucking."

Pope: "As Pope i do not use the vocabulary you do but we are talking about the same thing if I use the word adultery. Adultery involves a penis. In the Catholic Church the penis is best used when used in conjunction with another penis. This way adultery is avoided. Adultery involves a vagina. I never ever think about vaginas. Vaginas to me do not exist. I am celibate. Celibacy means you do not engage in heterosexual sex. A life of service to God in the Catholic Church for a cleric means a life of homosexuality. You can be celibate and engage in homosexuality because homosexuality is by definition an Unnatural Act and so is outside the boundaries of the definition of celibacy which means abstinence from heterosexual congress. And by way of corollary, abstinence from adultery. Which as you know is a violation of the 6th commandment. 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.' Adultery is heterosexual sex between a married person and someone he is not married to. A man cannot commit adultery with another man because there is no marriage between men. This is why the church fights so vehemently against same-sex marriages: because then sex between a priest and a married man would be adultery if the man was married to another man, or even, God forbid, a woman. And then we would be sinning. It's all very precise, salvation is. It is a razor-thin balancing act between this word here and that word over there. This is why we have theologians; to explain the pitfalls involved in using the wrong vocabulary. Eternity is not something to be trifled with. And then there is the nasty matter of the nuns: 99% of whom are clam-bumping, man-hating, emotionally-deranged, liquor-swilling bulldykes. If you will excuse my language. If same sex marriages were allowed by Cannon Law we would lose our entire female slave labor force because they would all, overnight, be adulterers. And adultery is something SPECIFIC and we are forced always to deal with specifics. Homosexuality in and of itself?....who even KNOWS what that is. It is a complete violation of all the laws of nature. It is beyond comprehension. People who engage in it are therefore outside the very realm of judgement. How do you pass judgement on something from another dimension? You cannot. You know, being circumcised can help prevent penis cancer."

JJ: "I have heard that. In the future can we expect you to be making announcements regarding the penises of men from other parts of the globe? And regarding men of other races? Or do you think you will be putting all of your attention regarding pronouncements about penises and prophalactics on black African males."

Pope: "From what I have heard black african males, especially the black african males who use their penises as tools, not just of sex, but of livelihood, are spreading Aids via their black male African penises, and if Aids is not stopped then some day in the future we will not HAVE black male African penises. Not that I would personally be affected by that. You do understand that, don't you?....That I would not be personally affected by the absence or disappearance of black male African penises? You do understand that?"

JJ: "Yes, I understand that. Have you ever said anything one way or the other about the penises of white Russian male prostitutes?"

Pope: "I do not think I have addressed the matter of white Russian male prostitute penises in an arena of public discussion, however I have thought about them from time to time."

JJ: "And what conclusions have you come to about them."

Pope: "I think they should all be circumcised."

JJ:"After penises what would be the most important focus of the Catholic church regarding its believers."

Pope: "Semen."

JJ: "Semen?"

Pope: "The Catholic church is almost as fixated on semen as it is on penises. Which brings me back to the black African male prostitutes. I have decided that if their semen is collected inside a condom, and if I am told about it personally by each black male prostitute, then I can intercede for them to Almighty God to forgive them their heinous act if it will prevent a spread of the HIV infection."

JJ: "Semen is not the only way HIV is spread."

Pope: "What?"

JJ: "HIV can be spread by any bodily fluid. A black African non prostitute can have a white anglo saxon Protestant journalist spit saliva into a wound on his arm and potentially transmit the Aids virus."

Pope: "That's very interesting but since no semen or penises are involved that is not the kind of thing the Catholic Church would concern itself with. In the case you mentioned it is merely a medical matter, not a matter involving salvation or damnation and eternity and hell and heaven and all of that. The incident you mentioned would only involve medicine. There is no sin in saliva. There is only sin in semen. In semen there is sin, in saliva there is only spit. Big difference."

JJ: "As Pope do you think more about semen? Or penises."

Pope: "It all depends on who I am talking to. If I am talking to pubescent boys then my focus is on semen. As you know ejaculating semen is a sin if there is no opportunity for at least one of the semen cells to fertilize an egg. And if the semen is lost during a nocturnal emission there is no sin unless pleasure is derived from the experience. And so when I am talking to young boys about nocturnal emissions, it is important for me to question, question, question, and interrogate unceasingly the youngster to see if he is telling me the truth abut whether or not he enjoyed the ejaculating experience. His eternal soul is at stake. If it turns out, after a long period of examination, that he did enjoy the release of seed from his penis then he must confess it. To a male priest. This is very important. If I am talking to adult males like yourself, most of whom are usually circumcised, unlike yourself, then I talk about penises."

JJ: "If I, as a non African black male non prostitute who does not have Aids, use a condom, am I committing a sin?"

Pope: "Yes. Semen is not supposed to be accruing in a condom. It is supposed to be accruing around an egg. It is also a sin for black male African prostitutes, make no mistake. It's just that if it will keep someone from getting a terminal disease, then I - with enormous reluctance - concede that I guess two wrongs don't make a right, but one wrong and one mitigating circumstance MIGHT make a lesser wrong. Or something. Like I have made clear I am not very clear on the matter. I hope that is clear to you in the same manner that pre-ejaculatory lubrication is clear. Yours is clear, is it not? Even when it makes its way past your undoubtedly filthy foreskin? If your foreskin was circumcised you would not have that foul and filthy smegma problem which I am sure that you have but which I can alleviate quickly and forever right here and now if you will just allow me to circumcise you."


At November 29, 2010 at 2:54 PM , Blogger Backwater said...

I just couldn't grasp the story.


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