Obama To Draft American White People To Solve Haiti Situation

Obama has declared that he will start drafting white people from all "57 States" to serve for 4 years in Haiti to solve the situation "which has overwhelmed so many of my brothers." He emphasized that the age of the white people didnt matter, nor the sex. "If I have to send 5 year old girls over there I will. Just the fact that they're white should be enough to rectify things. A 5 year old white girl finding water to drink is better than 300 black adult males chopping each other up with machetes to get the problem solved." Obama has not explained how the 5 year old white girl will be able to keep the machete-wielders away from herself while she solves the water problem, exactly, but he did say "If she's white enough chances are she'll figure out a way."