Billy Mays' Last Pitch

Sadly, before he died, Billy Mays was contracted to hawk the world's funniest book. He made several run-up rehersals, and while the video cannot be shown here, the audio can be here reproduced: Ladies and gentlemen: Billy Mays' last pitch:


HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU PICKED UP A BOOK AND THROWN IT BACK DOWN AGAIN IN DISGUST! PROBABLY NEVER! BUT THAT WON'T BE THE CASE IF YOU PICK UP WHEN BIKERS MEET HUMANS BY JJ SOLARI! IT'S VILE, IT'S BLASPHEMOUS, IT'S RACIST, IT'S APPALLINGLY UNSYMPATHETIC TO HUMAN SUFFERING! IT REVELS IN FOUL LANGUAGE, IT REJOICES IN MISFORTUNE TO OTHERS, IT HAS NO HEART AND IT HAS NO SOUL OTHER THAN THE HEART OF A BAT AND THE SOUL OF A HYENA! DON'T BE FOOLED BY PEOPLE TELLING YOU THAT IT HAS ONE OR TWO REDEEMING QUALITIES! IT DOESN'T!! YOU COULDN'T REDEEM A USED COLOSTOMY BAG FROM THE SHOPPING CART OF A HOMELESS BUM WITH THIS BOOK!! THE USED COLOSTOMY BAG HAS MORE VALUE, MORE WORTH, MORE SUBSTANCE, MORE VIRTUE AND IT PROBABLY EVEN SMELLS BETTER!! YOU CAN'T EVEN USE THIS PIECE OF SHIT FOR TOILET PAPER! IT WON'T CLEAN YOUR ASS AND IT WILL PROBABLY CLOG THE TOILET!! IT COMES WITH NO GUARANTEE AND COMES WITH NO CLAIMS TO IMPROVE ANYTHING ABOUT YOU OR ABOUT YOUR LIFE!! AND THE ILLUSTRATIONS ARE EVEN WORSE THAN THE OTHER CONTENTS!! IF YOU BUY ORANGE OIL OR IF YOU BUY OXYCLEAN WHEN YOU BUY THIS BOOK MAYBE YOU CAN USE ONE OR BOTH OF THOSE OTHER PRODUCTS TO TRY AND CLEAN THIS ONE UP BUT FRANKLY I DON'T THINK EVEN ORANGE OIL OR OXYCLEAN COMBINED CAN IMPROVE THIS PILE OF CRAP IN ANY WAY!! THANK YOU AND SORRY FOR THE YELLING BUT IT'S WHAT I DO!!

Billy later commented after one of the rehersals that having anything to do with "that awful book" would probably kill him. He'll be missed. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the thousands of children who never had the chance to be molested by Billy Mays, since, unlike Michael Jackson, he wasn't a child molester. To repeat once again - Billy Mays, famed pitchman and hawker has died, killed by the contents of what he said was the plague and the infection and the contagious pestilence of When Bikers Meet HUmans. He'll be missed. Our thoughts and prayers go out to those places where thoughts and prayers go out to at these times of personal tragedy and sorrow. I guess they go out to Guam, which I think is....over there in that direction, can you see where I am pointing? Billy Mays, dead at..... some age that doesn't really matter. He won't be exceeding it. He'll be missed. It IS a lot quieter, I've noticed. Wait, I think I can still hear him. Anyone know why he keeps yelling? Does he know he's dead? Does he ever stop?? I can hear him!! "PETER....HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED 'HOW IS IT THESE PEARLY GATES KEEP GETTING TARNISHED WHEN I HAVE JESUS HIMSELF CLEANING THEM BY MAGIC!!' MAYBE WHAT YOU NEED SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE SUBSTANTIAL THAN MAGIC PETER, MAYBE YOU NEED PEARLY-SWIRLY!! WHAT'S PEARLY-SWIRLY??...."


Oh for christ sakes. dennis ousley has just told me that billy mays was found with a rope around his neck, another rope around his balls, and a Sham-Wow stuffed up his ass. Ok, now that crosses all lines of decency, I am out of here, i dont need this.