Starbucks

 

Jackie Mason pretty much ripped Starbucks a new asshole a long time ago, which everyone has likely seen by now, and is apparently ignoring, because the place is still packed.
   But I think I can turn that around by mentioning something about Starbucks coffee that no one seems to have noticed, or if they have noticed it they are afraid to mention it for fear of being labeled a Christian by the commie atheist lesbian fucks who infest the place: and that item is -  if you don't drink the shit within two minutes while it is still too scalding to drink, it turns more bitter than the Furnace Creek ground water in Death Valley.
   I guess no one has noticed this. Or if they have they have believed some propaganda - probably originating in the Starbucks executive office headquarters -  that "all coffee does this as it cools."
   This is not actually true: Peets coffee - the company that Starbucks ripped off - their coffee does not get bitter even if you leave it on the fucking porch with your foot in it overnight. It might have birdshit in it the next morning, but it won't be bitter. Starbucks coffee however will pucker the corners of an anvil five minutes after you get it.
   This however doesnt seem to bother anyone who shops there for their daily face-contorting brew of boiling tar.
   And none of this addresses the problem of Starbucks selection of "pastries" that a fucking pigeon wouldn't eat. A fucking Power Bar is more scrumptious than a Starbucks "pastry" item. You could bail all the water out of a sinking rowboat by tossing a Starbucks slice of "cake" into the bilge and wait five seconds while the water flowed enthusiastically into the absorbing rectangle of dessication before you hauled it out of the boat and into the sea. In time of course the seas would be gone too, so this is not recommended.