Steven Seagal

I was in Best Buy yesterday and they have 100 million tv sets going. On some of them was a loop showing the new Steven Seagal tv show with him riding around with cops. It turns out Steven Seagal is an actual Make Believe Cop!! 20 years ago he went into a police station and showed a bunch of adoring Steven Seagal fans who were gay police officers, he showed them how to take a pistol away from someone holding a pistol RIGHT IN YOUR FACE FROM ONE FOOT AWAY!! - which never ever happens ever in real life ever. Well!.....these gay lonely police officers in love with Steven Seagal movies oozed semen all down their legs onto their shoes and said "Can we make you a make believe police officer?....so that we can be with you and you can be with us?" Steven Seagal of course said yes to this because it would mean that he could play act in real life in addition to in real movies. And he could pretend he was.....whatever it is he is pretending to be. What he IS is a dumbass stupid half Navajo half Jew. At least that's what he looks like to me on my "you can't hide anything from me" detector. What he CLAIMS to be is very likely something else. Probably a Tibetan avatar who really lives on another planet and is just here via "projection" of some sort. Kind of like the old science fiction classic story "Call Me Joe." So anyway Steven Seagal was up there on all the tv sets and he was even bigger than usual. Not "big as life" of course because then he could not have fit inside the Best Buy building. He did a lot of that looking-at-the-camera thing that they do in every tv show when they are advertising the tv show. The stars just stand there and slowly fold their arms or something or just look right at you like they are something really worth contemplating - "Look at me, peon, can you believe your eyes that I am this fantastic?" That's what they all do. And Steven Segal does this too. Unfortunately for Steven Seagal he does not look like the ordinary tv star - who USUALLY looks pretty damn fantastic. Steven Seagal on the other hand, does not look fantastic at all. He looks like a lobotomized manatee. He looks like an infected pudding piled-high on the screen. His face looks like it's going to have its own heart attack, it's so fucking huge. His head is ten times the size of Rush Limbaugh's.
His body is ten times the size of the planet Neptune. There is virtually no intelligence in his eyes at all. He looks like he is seeing his next pile of cookies in his mind's eye when he looks at the camera. You do not see Steven Seagal looking at the camera lens. You see Steven Seagal thinking about taking a nap and eating some fries when he wakes up. He clearly lives to eat. Steven Seagal has effectively convinced the earth population that he is superman. Legends abound that he works for the CIA, the FBI, and is the head of the National Security Council. Legends abound that he is a kung fu master and a brilliant and deadly in-close combat expert. Jesus Fucking Jewboy Christ, Steven Seagal could be picked-off by a cross eyed rifleman with a .22 from 3 miles away he is so fucking huge. His "combat expertise" would not enable him to chase-down a fucking housefly. Not that he would need to, it would just land on him and start laying eggs, he looks so fucking squalid. "Squalid not solid" ought to be his personal motto.
There is no way he would survive any kind of combat. A halfbreed mexican-Philippino 50 lb. street thug from Alhambra could beat the living fucking shit out of him in two seconds and then club him on the ground like a stricken sea-lion for ten minutes with a metal bat. Not that any of that would kill him, that would take Japanese harpoon boats firing sharpened cruise-ship anchors into his hide.