My Short Career In Hollywood

I wasn't always a failed blog writer. I worked in Hollywood for a while. I was a toilet cleaner trainer. I taught the Mexicans how to clean toilets, most of them never having seen one. That is why they are so good at it by the way; they don't really know what toilets do. They think they are rain catchers. It never occurs to them that the toilet's sole function is to catch shit and piss. Not rain. Not that that would make much difference, I guess, pro'bly. Anyway, Mexicans don't think of toilets as dirty. They have no conception of germs so they never get worried about sickness and once they learn - which they eventually do - what the toilet actually does, they think it's cool. Hey, who wouldn't. Where was I. Oh, yeah, so I was at a studio teaching Mexicans how to clean toilets and one day someone told me that one of the execs was inviting people off the street to pitch ideas to him. Probably to steal them. The ideas, not the people. What did I know, I went to his office and pitched an idea about an Auschwitz sitcom: you know, Jews standing naked in line to go to the gas chambers and complaining about how long it was taking, and stuff? "HEY, HURRY IT UP UP THERE! Moishe, have you ever seen soch a slow line?? Oi vey. My dead grampa moves faster than dis line, i'm tellin' ya." "Dat's true, Oiving, but remember the train here was free." "Ooof!! Don't remind me of the train ride. I was next to Hymie the whole way! Oi, what a pain he is, I'm telling you!! " And then there'd be Jews hoarding food the guards gave them. The Nazis were serving them huge sausages and sauerkraut dinners and the Jews would stash it all to sell later back to the guards if the prices went up. So they all got skinny. The guards begging them to clean themselves up and shave once in a while and the Jews insisting that their traditions had to be maintained. "Well at least wear something besides those stupid striped clothes. Here, here's some nice tweeds and woolen trousers and coats." "NOTINK DOOWINK! VAT, YOU VANT US TO LOOK LIKE GOYIM? NO, DIS IS NICE, A NICE LOOK. LIKE A PILLOW, I',M T'ING-KINK, OR A MATTRESS, IT'S NICE." Anyway the executive would have none of it. I think his name was Gilderstein. He said it was an outrage.
They wouldn't even let me clean toilets after that. Jews. You can't please 'em. They don't understand nice.