Jeff Baker

I rarely talk about actual individuals here as a topic. But I am going to at the moment. Jeff Baker is a "singer." Jeff Baker has a personal web site. http://www.jeffbakerjazz.com/ Jeff Baker, according to the site, gets nominated for music awards. Jeff Baker is a "jazz" "singer." He's white. He's fat. He looks ridiculous. Probably because he's so fat. I mean he actually looks squalid, he's so fat. He looks like dump trucks just back up and unload garbage into his mouth and he eats it. His neck looks like a stalagmite. And I don't think he's even very old. He probably hasn't even STARTED eating yet. Jeff baker is not a GOOD singer. But it gets even worse than that. Jeff Baker scats. Scatting is something very annoying that "jazz singers" do. When they are done singing words and vocabulary - they then sometimes launch into a second version of the same song only this time saying make-believe "words." Like, "dooya-booya-vwee-vwee oon zow wee booya dweeby dooya fwoom zshwoom dee bwa bwa dee zhee bwee bee dooya bwommmmm." They do this for an entire second performance of the complete composition. It is ASTOUNDINGLY hellish to listen to. However YOU are supposed to think it is brilliant "musicianship" because it is "improvised." But it's improvised trash. To make matters worse....jazz "enthusiasts" think that scatting is "a very cool art form within an art form." Jazz, as you know, is considered an "art" by white people so that they can patronize black people. White people love patronizing black people as long as the black people don't start making eyes at their women. Then white people get Very Way Beyond Weird. Hey, who could blame 'em. But that's just me. Where was I. "Jazz" is not really "an art form." MUSIC is an art form. Jazz is a CATEGORY of music. We call jazz an art form because - the story goes - "negroes" invented it. If jazz is an art form because an ethnicity invented it then Mariachi music is also an art form. Mexicans invented THAT. So is that shit the Zunis play when they dance around the campfire naked with paint on them, beating a solitary drum and chanting "AYYY yayyy yayyy yayyy AYYY yayyy yayyy....." and so on for three hours, never changing, endlessly, awfully, terribly, dismally, tortuously. That's an art form too. The Indians invented it!!! But we DON'T call Zuni idiot-chanting and Mexican Mariachi Party Music art forms because, One; we beat the fuck out of the Indians and reduced them to drunken zombies, so fuck 'em. And Two; the Mexicans ain't "Americans We Hate" like the negroes are. Mexicans are "Foreigners We Hate." Which is perfectly ok. You're SUPPOSED to hate foreigners. But de Nee-groze, well, now, there we have a problem. Dey beez citizens. Scary ones. Citizens that look like gorillas. If we let them know we're scared of them we're doomed. They'll kick our asses. What to do? OH I KNOW!!... we'll pretend we LIKE them! And one of the ways us white folk have come up with to do this is to call jazz "The Negro Art Form." Which is ridiculous. It's just nigger music. Some of it is awful, and some of it really bitchin'. It depends on the tune. Like everything else in music. It depends on the tune. Where was I. Oh, yeah, Jeff Baker. Jeff Baker has a very BAD voice. He DOES sing on key. And so does my cat. My cat can actually meow the the first few notes of O Sol'e Mio. He doesn't know that's what he's doing of course, but the tune is there and the tune is true: it is on key. So Jeff can do what my cat can do. He can sing on key. I guess that's the minumum we expect from singers. To sing on key. Oh, and stay in tempo. Jeff can do that too. He can follow the beat. So can most 5 year olds. If Jeff would just call it a day right there that would be fine. But Jeff also needs to write lyrics to songs which SHOULD NOT HAVE LYRICS. Well-known jazz compositions that just have, well, NOTES..... Jeff needs to add words to these notes. And he does. They are really shitty words. They are awful words; surreal, pastey, pseudo-cool, acranely vague with delusional versions of "depth" and usually involve "relationships." We are supposed to assume, I guess, that the relationships are ones of his own. We are supposed to assume, I guess, when we hear these plaintive and also shitty lyrics to songs that are not supposed to have lyrics and that are about "some other person" that we are to assume, I guess, that Jeff actually knows Other People. Even though he looks like a shipping container. Only a fucking sea elephant could have a meaningful - or safe - relationship with Jeff Baker. That's how fucking fat he is. Where was I. So he sings made-up lyrics that suck... to songs that have been composed by VERY TALENTED PEOPLE that have no lyrics. I would SUSPECT that Jeff, by putting lyrics of ANY kind to these legendary wordless tunes, normal jazz musicians and abnormal jazz "afficionados" give Baker a lot of slack just for that reason. Jazz people are not all that bright. They're cool, the players, but the fans and critics - they ain't really in the ballbark of any game at all, even the music game, very often. So Jeff has sort of won them over based on putting lyrics to these tunes. He SHOULD have been beaten senseless and left to die in the street for putting lyrics to these tunes. But instead he was cut some slack. For some reason. Probably because he's morbidly obese and everyone felt sorry for 'im. You would think Jeff would have counted his blessings and saw that they were overflowing his cup, and tiptoed quietly offstage. Nope! Not Jeffy! HE THEN "SCATS" THESE SONGS HE HAS RUINED WITH LYRICS AFTER HE SINGS THE LYRICS!!! Now here is something I know about Jeff that nobody else knows about Jeff except maybe Jeff: the only reason he has put lyrics to these tunes in the first place is SO THAT HE CAN SCAT THEM IN THE SECOND CHORUS. IT'S THE SCATTING THAT IS IMPORTANT TO JEFF!! AND YOU CAN'T SCAT A LYRICLESS SONG!! THAT'S A JAZZ RULE!!! IT WOULD MAKE NO SENSE TO SCAT A SONG WITHOUT LYRICS. BUT JEFF NEEDS TO SCAT THESE SONGS! SO HE HAS TO WRITE LYRICS FOR THEM FIRST! WHICH IS WHY THE LYRICS STINK ON ICE! BECAUSE IT AIN'T ABOUT THE LYRICS! IT'S ABOUT JEFF NEEDING TO SCAT THESE SONGS! BUT THEY DON'T HAVE LYRICS! AND YOU CAN'T SCAT A LYRICLESS SONG! THAT'S A RULE!!! http://www.jeffbakerjazz.com/audio/allblues.mp3 What even the jazz musicians and afficianados won't admit for some reason is that scatting sucks no matter how "good" it is and no matter who's doing it or to whatever song they're doing it to. Scatting sucks! Of course, I, being JJ Solari, DO know why scatting is tolerated at all. Because it was invented by niggers!! Louis Armstrong made it popular. Scatman Carruthers NAMED himself after it. And of course Ella Fitzgerald, an oftenly VERY annoying singer, prided herself on being able to "do" this hellish meaningless stunt. And who is going to tell a nigger, especially a big star like Ella Fitzgerald "That's fuckin' retarded, ya know." Nobody. Nobody white. They all too fucking scared. Why, it'still goin' on today: pants down at their knees; shoelaces untied; rhinestone teeth; cornrolls; a jihadist devotion and reverence for never learning anything - or a reverence for stupidity, in other words... Jesus, don't get me started. Nobody says ANYTHING to a nigger. They're too fucking scared. White comics make fun of everything except niggers. Too fucking scared. Nigger comics?.... they walk all over white people. No problem. They could give a shit. Where was I. So scatting all by itself is a big pile of shit right from the start. And as scatters go, Jeff Baker is without a doubt the very worst to every waddle into a recording studio. I haven't even gotten to his shitty phrasing or his inability to pronouce any word with an S or a soft C in it without blowing the microphone off the stand.