Cleaning Out Your System

Some asshole - about the 5th one this year - told me he was doing something "to clean out his system." I said "What the fuck is that: clean out your system. You mean so you ain't gonna shit no more?" They always tell me, no, they're going to clean out their system so that their system will get cleaned out. I always ask - I get this shit all the time, some fuckhead telling me they're cleaning out their system - I always ask "What would do that, bleach?" They always get totally pissed if you don't take this "cleaning out of the system" seriously. I have YET to get a clear explanation of what gets cleaned out and how it happens. None of them ever tell me what the "system" is exactly. The best I can get is "your body." I ask them "Are you going to have stuff shot under your skin under pressure?" So far no: so far they are all cleaning out their systems by putting shit into their mouths. I go, "What kinda shit, a firehose??" I would think that's what it would take to clean out your system by putting something into your mouth. A firehose. But no. It's not a firehose. It's always some sort of FOOD shit. It's always DIFFERENT shit. No two assholes cleaning out their system ever use the same shit. One asshole will use juice, another dipshit will use some other liquid. "So you are cleaning out your stomach?" I will ask. No, their whole system. "But isn't it just going to sit in your stomach?" They tell me no, it's going to clean out their system. "But isn't it going to just sit in your stomach and slowly get bile and acid and other metal-dissolving chemicals dumped onto it?" They go, yeah I guess. I go "And isn't the juice going to be turned into a vile disgusting goo by this process and trickle through your guts and eventually some of it will seep into your cells slowly atom by atom and the remainder will be turned into piss?" They go yeah. I go "So when does the cleaning take place? You've turned grapefruit juice into urine. Where's the fucking cleaning there." They go, well the orange juice or the berry juice or the guava juice or the grapefruit juice cleans out your system as it goes though the intestines. I go "But it ain't grapefruit juice by the time it even gets to your intestines. It's a toxic poisonous mess that if you vomited it up would scald your throat and make the room smell like a fucking contaminated creek in India. Where the fuck is the cleaning?" They are usually VERY pissed by this time. "WELL YOU JUST KEEP DRINKING IT, EVENTUALLY IT CLEANS OUT YOUR SYSTEM!" Their voices are raised, their anger is ignited, they become prepared to be combative. Cleaning out your system apparently makes you lose your temper. I am Italian. Yelling has no effect on us. Objects coming our way is what gets our attention. To us, yelling is nothing. The loudest yelling is just making your point to us. Yelling has NO effect on an Italian. We are immune to yelling. That's why Italians are always yelling at each other. We don't even notice it when it's coming our way. We notice it when we're DOING it: I mean we're doing it for a REASON. Because it sometimes needs to be done. Usually it works: if whoever we're yelling at ain't Italian. If they ain't Italian they figure all hell's gonna break loose if this screaming lunatic ain't calmed down. But if it's an Italian getting yelled AT - he don't even notice! And sooner or later the guy that is gettiing yelled AT - if he's an Italian - eventually in the conversation he's gonna have to make a point. And he's gonna haffta yell. Well the Italian he's yellin' at ain't gonna notice that he's bein' yelled at either. So now both Italians are yelling at each other. And getting nowhere. That's why Italians kill each other, bang, without a lotta preamble. Otherwise the shooting will never happen: they'll just yell and scream at each other all night long. "Vito, I gotta kill ya." "Whattaya crazy? We're best buddies! I was at your daughter's wedding! Why ya doin' this?" "Vito it's nuthin' personal. It's business." "DON'T GIMMEE THAT MAFIA BULLSHIT! IF YA KILL ME - I'M TAKIN' IT PERSONAL! HOW IS IT BUSINESS??" "IT'S BUSINESS FOR ME STUPID! I'M GETTING 50 GRAND FA DIS!!" It would never end. Nuthin' would get done. Where was I. So this guy's cleanin' out his sytem by eating or drinking stuff. I say "That seems like loading the system up. Not cleaning it out." They say it's a gradual process: you do it for a couple days, drink the soy sauce or whatever, it cleans out your system. I say "Why ain't that just EATING. How does your fucking body know that the food is being used for cleaning purposes. And not fuckin' nutrition. If you're gonna clean out your system how come you ain't usin' some fuckin' Borax. Why you usin' goddamn food." This is about as far as even the most dedicated body-cleaning debater will go with me. They usually just storm off. Very angry. The first time I ever encountered one of these fucks I was a little less premeditative. I mean NOW I put these people through the whole embarassing drill. The first time it happened, the first time someone in all serious told me they were cleaning out their system I was a lot less courteous. I said "You gotta be fuckin' retarded. You can't 'clean out your system.' Your system is a fuckin swamp. It's a pile of sludge kept at a temperature of almost a hundred degrees Farenheit. If you left food out at that temperature, in two hours it would be poison so deadly even a shark couldn't eat it. That's what your fuckin' 'system' is: a fuckin' stinking crockpot slow cooker fulla heated meat that if I slit you open fuckin' steam would come out. If you died right now by tomorrow the whole neighborhood would know it just by the stench if not the cloud of bugs. The only one who can clean out your system is the guy doin' the autopsy. The fuckin coronor. He'll clean out your system. Believe me. A fuckin' handfull at a time. You ain't gonna do it by drinkin' teaspoons o' tea. You dumbass fuck." This guy, he didn't yell, he actually took a swing at me. When you're 9 never talk like this to your Dad.