Wiping Your Ass With Lotion-Based Kleenex

If you're thinking about doing this, don't. I just did this. Just a minute or so ago. There was no toilet paper on the roll. I had some Kleenex pop-up tissues with aloe embedded in the fibers nearby. I figured "Well, it won't be an economical wipe but it will sure be a gentle one." It may have been. But it was also an annoying one. I pulled four sheets. That seemed enough for the first go-round based on how they felt in my hand, all bunched together. I hit the starfish and slid the paper and the wad slipped right out of my fingers and my bare flesh made contact with my winking eye. Since the Kleenex also slid off the greasy dung residue that means my bare finger flesh also made physical contact with TURD. I was not pleased by this. In some matters I make Monk look blah-zay. Physical intimacy with shit-excess is one of those matters. The shit-smeared wad of tissue had also slipped out of my fingers during the procedure and took flight into the wall and onto the floor. I now had shit on the wall and the floor. I ripped out another two sheets and took care of the finger problem. I got some more and took care of the wall problem and the floor problem, and while greatly pissed was taking great care not to lose my temper. This is minor I kept saying to myself. It wasn't, but I kept saying it was. Like a good boy. I grabbed another four sheets and tried again. Kleenex with aloe doesnt "pick up" fecal matter. It skates across it. Lengthening it. Enlarging it. And that's what this second-pass accomplished. So that means I now had shit material actually throughout my ass cheeks, like it had been troweled on. There was a hand towel there so I, in a crouch, doused it under the faucet, wrung it out and washed my ass with it and then out of sheer habit and reflex back-handed it into the toilet. Still facing forward and standing almost upright I watched my face in the mirror as it changed expression before my eyes. I could clearly see what I was thinking. "I just threw the fucking towel into the goddamn toilet." The toilet had not been flushed in all this time. It now had all the original slappy-splashy shitlogs; all the kleenex applications, including the ones for the wall and the floor, and a towel. I sat back down onto the toilet to force myself to stay non violent while I stewed and simmered in motionless anger. Some small bit of ass-skin sensor was detecting what was still some residual dampness from the wet towel-washing. I pulled another single sheet of Kleenex from the box and blandly alleviated the matter and let the Kleenex drop listlessly into the bowl. While waiting for my mind to clear and to give myself something meaningful to do while waiting to cool off I flushed the toilet. I am too physically tired to tell you the rest. Just don't wipe your ass with Kleenex with aloe. It might seem like a good idea but it isn't. So much for the only practical-matter info you will ever be getting here. But you have to admit, I picked a good one to warn you about. I bet you thought this blog would always just remain another piece of useless egomania on the web didn't you. Well for once it's now actually done something useful.