Conservatism

Conservatism is a murky, strangely anal "philosophy of vague 'morality.'" It has no precise definition. It only has a list. A list of things it is "in favor of" and a list of things "it is against." It was sort of "started" by William F. Buckley, an extremely odd man with severe acne and a host of body ticks and twitches and weird facial expressions and conversational mannerisms and debate-skill paroxysms that make Tom Cruise at his very weirdest seem totally unaffected. His tongue flashed into and out of view like a lizard carefully searching for flies on a sharpened jagged surface, his forehead jolted into life and then fell asleep again in an ongoing display of convulsions and dormancy like volcanic skin. He formed his lips around words, letters, consonants and vowels in a bewildering variety of oral gymnastics and twinges and seemingly-agonized writhings that would keep the viewer on constant alert and readiness for a medical emergency to be imminent. His eyes widenened and narrowed in emphasis to his utterances as though he was seeking to convey to the listener that his vocal cords were communicating one thing but his musculature was communicating something else, can you guess what?....and does it have to do with secrets from other planes of existence?....Hmmmmm???? - this is what he seemed to be asking via body language. At surprising moments his emaciated and protein-free bones would lurch rearward in his chair and his face would measureably expand in all directions backwards as though he had just been hit with an invisible hurricane to the face, as though all mysteries had been suddenly solved for him by what the person revealed without the person's knowledge that he had revealed it, as though William Buckley had just perceived The Real Truth in the other person that the other person had so desperately sought to hide. It was all EXTREMELY unsettling watching him do all this in a relentless choreography of what appeared to be alien-induced incipient madness. But no one being interviewed ever blurted, "What the fuck is wrong with you!!!" These bizarrely disturbing mannerisms were never to be brought to his or anyone else's attention, apparently, due to some astoundingly arcane underground agreement, as though by a tacit understanding instituted and sworn to by 44th degree Masons on a Halloween evening around the altar of Baal at the moment the infant's throat was cut and it's blood drunk from the skulls of raped and beheaded nuns. His facial and torsoidal convulsions were not to be remarked on. Ever. By anyone. And I have not even as yet TOUCHED upon the creepy, oily, unctuous, servile salamandery matter of William Buckley's VOICE. It would slide upward for a few words at the same time his eyebrows would slam also upwards, violently, and then there would be a pause, as though his voice was readying itself for the decent. The decent would be fast: it would result in only, often, a one-word finale, which, if it had more than one syllable, the early ones would be of medium altitude and the last one would be down in the basement somewhere with the elastic roundness of the Buckley mouth and foul New England teeth sealing it up, almost, in deep and resonant silence. It was a whole new chapter in the Book Of Quirks From Hell. Buckley's "political philosphy" was the Ten Commandments and the personal opinions of Thomas Aquinas. America was to adhere to these "guidelines" if She wanted to remain "America:".....the America of a Catholic grammar school in New England in 1912. The guidelines were vague and relied on "tradition" and an instict-for-nostalgia that was assumed to be manifest and installed into every American at birth, and by following where this radar signal led you, you would be heading in the right direction to make William Buckley comfortable. It did not matter if you were comfortable heading there. Only that William Buckley was comfortable watching you go. Most of Conservatism revolves around, and is involved with, and is fixated upon, the human penis. Just like most of Catholicism is. Catholicism and Conservatism are oddly connected, even though I am not convinced that either of them actually realizes it. As a Conservative you are not suppposed to acknowledge the existence of the human penis except when it is to be used to cause conception in an authorized recipient. Conservatives are convinced they are "better" than Liberals. Whatever Liberals are. They are better because they do not ejaculate willynilly. And that's basically what Conservatism is: a political philosophy whose adherent participants and devotees focus most of their attention and effort in not ejaculating irresponsibly. Incredibly, Conservatives are mystified as to why their numbers are diminishing. They are absolutely astonished that their astoundingly boring, unfathomable, and undefinable view of "proper" human existence is not burgeoning into a whirling firestorm of screaming and hollering popularity and seam-bursting growth like a great Cancer of Wonderfulness. I will answer that for you my Limbaugh-ettes, why your numbers are diminishing: it's because not only are you all stupid, you're all boringly stupid. Unlike the Libs who are also stupid but at least interestingly stupid. I mean, the New Niggerinchief, DUMB AS HE IS, had at least enough sense to get the faggot fashion industry behind him, which is where the masses are: attentive to fashion. Sure, he's a faggot and that didn't hurt any in getting the fashionistas on board. But you know what I'm talking about, yoou Conservative Moral Elitists. Although maybe you don't. Being, you know, what I said before: stupid. And stuff.