Salt For Dummies

Here's a perfect example of how fucked up women and queers are. I have a catalogue from King Arthur Flour here. Can you guess WHY I have one here? Well, it ain't because I'm a queer or a woman. But there is one of those here on the premises. And they got one of these catalogues. Let's look here on page 10, shall we? The new heading on the page is "SALT." There are 4 kinds!! Fleur de Sel de Camargue: Malson Crystal Sea Salt: Celtic Sea Salt: and Bread Salt. Ok, I'm going to let that sink in for a minute. Into my head, not yours. Ok. Now. Each of these varieties has a little "explanation" of what it is. Because none of these are "just salt." And I bet you thought salt was salt. Just like cobalt is cobalt. Or radium is radium. Or gold is gold. Or water is water. Let's take a look at "Celtic Sea Salt." "A coarse, earthy salt, ideal for grinding." Except for the price - which is $8.95 for one pound, PLUS shipping - that is the extent of the details. Does it come from the Celtic Sea?...whatever that is? Don't know. What's an "earthy" salt? One with dirt in it? Why would you buy salt that needs to be ground? Why not buy already ground salt? What is the fucking delicate flavor subtlety of fucking SALT that you need varietal dimensions of the crystals. Or differential compactions of the chunks. Or drops. Or bits. Or hexagons. Does the size of the chunk change the saltiness? Why settle for little chunks? Why not drop a fucking 50 Lb. fucking slab of Deer Lick Salt Block suitable for the forest-feeding of a twenty-head herd of elk onto the fucking dinner table? Or would that be TOO big of a varietal bouquet? Isn't food either too salty or not salty enough? It's not as though a different fucking size of salt gives food a mustardy nuance. Or a slight tang and essence of citrus. Holy mother fucking wondrous Shitballs of Golden Bliss from the Precious Asshole of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Keep in mind that this is fucking SALT which is being hawked here in fantastically pompous carnival blather. Salt!... which is an unvarying combination in a unique unvarying manner of defined unvarying molecules in a necessarily rigid unvarying Law-Of-Nature-throughout-the-universe precise and inviolable unvarying matrix of unvarying sodium and unvarying chlorine atoms. Creating, as a result, " fucking salt." Even if it comes from outer fucking space. Sodium chloride is still " fucking salt." From here to Dookoo. Of course the addition of extraterrestrial salt to the menu would cost a premium for that sublime and exquisite salty taste experience. And would add two more varietals to the menu; earth salt; and space salt. "Le Puto de la Peepee le Coque Souccaire.....An intergalactic favorite for crunchy accents to steak and pizza: price, $3,000 for 4.5 oz. Plus Shipping." On the plus side you would only have to pay for the shipping from one earth location to your own. Not from Andromeda to here. So whew! Let's get back to our catalogue, may we? "Maldon Crystal Sea Salt" is of course fascinating but I want to stumble on over to the raisin day tare, the peace day resistance, the gnome day plume, the walk along the chance day lazy of the catalogue; the Fleur de Sel de Camargue: 15 dollars and 95 cents plus shipping for FOUR POINT FOUR OUNCES of this stuff that's "imported from France." And which is described as "Salt harvested from the sea in minute quantities during the months of July and August." I am sure you are convinced that I made that up. That "during the months of July and August" stuff. I DO make stuff up. But I did not make up that astounding trivia regarding the months of the "harvesting" of this crock of salt. I wish I had. I would have a new respect for my own creative imagination. Meanwhile, regarding the Fleur de Sel de Camargue?... I'll take two, please. And here's an idea for the salt inventory business that some enterprising sheff or con ass sewer might want to investigate the marketing of; salt extracted from JIZZ. A fairy's delight! What a wonderful addition to the menu! "Cum de Pinot; a fruity crystalline extract from the semen of bronzed sailors off the Baltic Coast. Perfect for dinners in the wild woods with buff and shredded Bulgarian gods." Or "Cum de Fuque; a salty mix of sperm dehydrancies from the leather boys of Piccadilly and the mellow acid-head relics from the stairwells of the Haight. Perfect for wine and cheese parties in the nude among male-only companions of reckless hygiene." Or "Spairm du le Whore - Curious and varied distillations from the clothing and bedsheets of the - may we say bath? - houses of Los Angeles' West Hollywood district; an elite site for healthy, active and abundant spermatazoa, administering to the exceptionally sheer salt crystals a slight Bacchanallian dankness of algae-rich sod: a dungeony favorite." Or "Buttue Fukkue Ces't Bon? May We Mount, Messieur? A traditional close-quarters favorite, the 'two backed beast' activities of the Haitian Voodoo practitioners creates a dribblingly sweet paste of semen that is collected by lovely Haitian children via beautiful handcrafted 'scrapers' they make themselves. This artifact, as it sluices hot Mandingo cum from off the backs of the legs of swarthy Negro men in their reproductive and testosteronic prime, the salt crystals are gently smeared into thin crystalline sheets via this process that give late-hour margaritas on Sailor Night a nifty bite." Or "My Tongue Is Your Condiment: Swirly saliva drenched semen-islands on the knotty surfaces of lust-hungry male modern-dancers' tongues; these are the treasure packets from which this enticing salt is evaporated to make your morning eggs - the kind from hens, you scamp - a breakfast treat unsurpassed." Or "Rectimus Adoremus Juvenilium Exquisitorum - Your Boy-Ass is My One True God: The first ejaculant of a young boy is the veal cutlet of the connoisseur's salt emporium of delights. And Authentically Ordained Priests are especially suited to enticing these first and most precious fluids from the trembling and unsure and yet hopeful novices' wonderful new cocks. The salt molecules within these pure, unsullied emissions evaporate into a residue of superior, appropriately-called 'virgin' salt that turns an ordinary meal into a passionate swallowing orgasm of flavor." Or "One Nation Under God And One Foot Under The Stall - Senator Salt! Semen from U.S. Senators is our newest and most popular salt extract among our AARP customers, or 'Advanced Homos' as we like to call them. They never seem to tire of eating salt from the ass-lube of Honorables&Respecteds long-past their so-called 'prime.' If erectile dysfunction is a problem with these spritely fellows of the Beltway you would never guess it from the long queues of Congressmen and pages lined-up in adjacent stalls for their shares and portions of Senatorial Semen of Freedom. Senator Salt: the salt of Democracy cummin' atchya." Or "Barak Salt: The Final solution to global warming, makes everything as cold as ice and motionless as continents. Saltbergs of utter frost from the Nads of Absolute Zero themselves will turn your party drinks to igloo blocks and the air in the room to a cryogenic paralysis of inactivity. Salt extracted from the boy-loving penis-semen of Barak Hussein Obama will not only frost your nuts it will turn you so outrageously gay even YOU might make it to the cover of GQ. Just like he did." I could go on and on. And likely will. This post will probably grow forever. Like a wondrous, happy penis.