Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Road Trip

   We took a two week road trip to Austin that ended 2 days ago.
   Government really needs to get out of the roads business because they fucking suck at it.
   Want to die? Drive a State or Municipal or Federal road. The Federal roads are by far the worst. The bigger the government the shittier the roads. Governments don't really want people to be accommodated or satisfied. Governments want people dead or in prison or in a slave labor camp: doing work for the government.
   Apart from learning how bad President Roads And Bridges You Didn't Do That is at putting up roads and bridges, you also learn first hand - if you have two eyes and do not have the Implant...which everyone but me seems to have... that the idea that human activity is affecting the climate is a lying crock of shit designed to get everyone to get used to government-provided and government-caused shortages. When you leave the environs of Los Angeles, you will drive through 400 miles of fucking empty desolate, scenic, barren, lifeless, death-to-all-mammals, waterless, cloudless hell before you reach the next blob of human-swarming, which is Phoenix. And if the freeway is empty you can drive through the borders of Phoenix in ten minutes if you go 100 miles an hour.  So you go through, say, 25 miles of humanity....you then drive another hundred miles of desolation before you get to Tucson. Then you drive through ONE THOUSAND MOTHER FUCKING MILES OF ROCK RUBBLE, CACTUS, AND GOAT DROPPINGS before you get to the next blob of humanity which is Austin.
   Now keep in mind that all this desolation you drive through is merely what you can see FROM THE ROAD! Beyond the vistas available from your steering wheel is unseen, undiscovered, uninhabited emptyness that is no more affected by your little microwave than Paris Hilton's pussy is presently being affected by my cock.
   Human activity affects the weather like my hard-on affects Jamie Pressly's desire to suck on it: and that would be zero affect.
   Now, the motels of the land, as I have found out, have been quick to use your stupidity to their advantage: all the hotel and motel rooms in Idiot America are now festooned with signs that say "We love the earth and so do you. We must protect Mother Gaia. We must be good stewards. We must conserve precious resources. So therefore use your towels for your entire stay here so we don't have to fucking spend money on soap and laundry services, oh and turn out the precious lights so that we will have a lower fucking electricity bill, oh dear, I mean so that we do not waste precious resources, and when you wipe your ass with our toilet paper, don't flush it, use it blow your nose in to save our precious forests. Oh and when you drop your pants so that we can fuck you hard in the ass please lube yourself first from your own Vaseline jar so that we won't have to be bothered doing it ourselves and we can just get right to the assfucking which apparently you cannot get enough of, you gullible, lazy-brained piece of American shit."

we took over 7000 pictures. i am good now at using the A6-10 out the windshield and the driver's window without looking. so i had something to do for the 3000 fucking miles i drove. they are not national geographic quality but they are good enough to really make you recall meaningless moments of the ride. its better than videos because you look at the picture and the video plays in your head. PLUS........a remarkable number of the out-the-window-while-driving pics are pretty good. on the same day we both almost died because of a snowstorm that roared through ruidoso springs while we  were climbing the summit when we by a series of miracles got down to alamagordo just at late afternoon we were privvy to probably the best cloud and sun arrangement to ever hit white sands. it was blowing a freezing wind but the skies were so great we almost didnt care. some fucks making a music video used us and our car to stop and make believe we were going to give the hitchiking beauty bitch who was very hot a ride. i dont know who they were making a video of because i was so fucking cold all i wanted to do was live not do interviews.

  we got snowed-in while driving and i had to get off the road but that was impossible without being in even more danger than moving because you were a target for the semi's behind you and the navajos in pickup trucks. the clouds had looked ominous from carlsbad but i was assuming that new mexico was a harmless hotland and i did not remember this range of highway we had to traverse as being what you would call snow country. this was an error. the rain once we hit the upgrades increased and then i noticed something was hitting the windshield but it never seemed to fill up with anything and at some point i realized i was driving through frozen cloud particles. then it started snowing. i was now in a mental panic wondering what was going to happen, no way i could drive an accord through a fucking snowstorm. the road got slushier and more filled with frozen mud slops. i was now feeling actual fear. it was getting grimmer. trucks were behind me and i dared not stop because the car would never get going again but i dared not speed into a crash just to accomodate some assfuck behind me anxious to see me off the road so he could die later. i was stressing at the max. cecily said "i remember there is a casino coming." i said what? from 4 years ago you memorized this road? she said yes there is a casino up ahead we have to get there!!  the good dear lord in heaven who created all that we see made a casino appear!! i pulled in sliding sideways and somehow effortlessly got into a parking slot as the snow raged even though the casino terrain had not been smashed by tons of traffic as the road crap had been to some extent. there was no way a honda could drive in that. even though i had never driven a car sideways before, after some sliding perpendicular to the way the car was supposed to be aimed, a giant invisible hand put the car into a slot next to another car. we went into the indian casino and depressed as i was the magical sounds of casino machines somewhat soothed me. the road was already officially closed. my desert-shod feet were freezing. the casino was small and had a convenience store attached. there was nowhere to go. i was in new fucking mexico. how long do snowstorms last in new mexican mountains? would we live out our lives there? where would we sleep: we would die in the car. cecily is an old lady: she cant sit on a slot machine chair overnight. i stressed and paced and for once did not freak out or rage like i do at the slightest thing. i held it together. i knew this was some serious shit with a ton of question marks. mostly i was concerned about how i was going to keep my feet dry and warm in brooks hiking shoes which have a lot of breathability. which means COME ON IN SNOW AND RAIN AND SLUSH THERE IS PLENTY OF ACCESS MY FRIENDS!! after a half hour i looked out the casino and the snow had stopped. a plow had roared up the mountain. the summit was i didnt know how many miles away. two or three miles back was a motel 6 undoubtedly already full. one thing i have always been able to do is make a decision even if its wrong, i dont care if its wrong what i care about is not making a decision at all. i saw the snow had stopped. i saw a car or two continuing up the highway 70 toward the glorious dry desert far away. doing nothing was not an option. i slogged through the snow in the parking lot and went to the highway and looked up it. more cars were going along. i got cecily and we got in and for a half hour she had been saying "we need to go back to the motel 6" to which i had not been responding. still reeling with the ten years of aging i had already done in the past hour i made it out onto the highway through slush that should have bogged me down and cecily screams WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WE CANT GO ON!! WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE MOTEL!! i said calmly we're going on. i had noticed that it had stopped snowing for about ten minutes. i reasoned if the snow plow was just on here the road would be travelable until the next roar of snowfall and these mountains are not that thick, we can do this. after a while of me going 20 in relatively un ice'd roadway there ahead was the inevitable traffic jam. i then rather than screaming and ranting like i traditionally do in a traffic jam i had to force myself to examine things. we were all stopped but a line of cars was coming our way. that meant someone was controlling things ahead. still not snowing we rolled slowly and with many stoppings of the engine to some unseen destination, embraced front and back by semis and once in a while some ass in a pickup truck drove along the shoulder to i guess eventually beg or demand his way back into the line down the way. still no snowfalls. i was sweating and silent as a cartoon in mad magazine of a scared guy. up ahead was a jack knifed rig. it was being dealt with. we got our turn. i was now in motion on a plowed road at 30 miles an hour. within two or three minutes i saw the glorious summit sign, 7500 feet. i go shit no wonder its snowing, we're on fucking everest in late december in a rainstorm from alaska. that means snow at 7500 feet. going downhill finally i felt hope, the lower you go the less snow you get, this is a law of nature. no fucking way there would be snowfall in alamagordo and once i get below 5000 feet it should just be rain, these aint the fucking himalayas. it happened that way. as the sun was setting and i was roaring toward white sands i said to cecily, well ya know, that storm was a blessing in disguise, it showed you what a terrified douchebag you are married to and she said NO YOU SAVED US!! WE WOULD STILL BE BACK THERE WITHOUT YOUR BRAVE DECISION!! i said yeah my brave decision to get us both killed. you should arrest me for granny endangerment. so far she hasnt done it though.    


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