Zombie Jesus

The previous post about Jesus being a zombie has created quite a stir among those who have read it. And even those who have never read it but have heard about it firsthand from me, they are not too happy about it either. I used to actually PREACH the Zombie Kingship Of Jesus in a church. In several churches, actually. All of which have been burned down. And not by zombies either. By regular humans. Humans Jesus has not raised back from the dead. After Jesus resurrected himself he became fully powerful as the zombie king. Before he was executed he was content to raise others from the dead and help them along on their way towards a new, flesh eating existence, but the Jews and the Romans of the time did not take too well to this new revolutionary lifestyle that Jesus was creating all around them. So he had to go. But HAHA you don't just execute the king of the zombies and expect him to stay dead. No. He raised himself from the dead and from that day forth he walked the land with his arms straight out in front of him, eating human flesh and taking vengeance upon all who tried to kill him. And even against those who did not. "Vengeance is mine" sayeth the lord Jesus king of the zombies. Jesus also said if we believed in him we would have life everlasting. This is the Zombie promise. Life after death. The Catholics of course, being Catholics have it all ass backwards. They think it is their job to eat the zombie king. That is not how it works, my Catholic idiot friends. Humans do not eat zombies. Any five year old can tell you that. Is it any wonder people think Catholics are weird? No, here is how it goes, my Cathode friends; zombies eat humans. Repeat after me: zombies eat humans. It's always been that way. It always will be that way. Have a fucking goddamn clue. Only thomas, the one chided for being a "doubter" understood the real meaning of Jesus raising himself from the dead and into his zombie perfection. Thomas said the only appropriate thing for a true believer to say. "Unless i put my finers and hands into his wounds i will not believe." thomas knew that the zombie king would arise all shredded and torn and falling apart. He needed to become one with that horror he needed to bond with the zombie essense of Jesus, to "get right in there" so to speak. It is clear to me that thomas was the only deciple who actually had his shit together and knew that jesus' shit would be falling off his own bones when he arose from the dead and Thomas was understandably excited. Far from being a doubter he was the only true believer. And then jesus showed up, walking through the wall with his arms striahgt out in front of him and gurgling zombie gurgles. "And the apostles were aafraid." Ummmm, ya think???