Friday, February 5, 2010

Heart Attack Grill

The guy that opened the Heart Attack Grill in Arizona now sends out reports to people regarding his court battles. Kind of like Scientology does. I told him to take me off his list. Here's his email to me that prompted my monumental decision regarding hearing aobut his life in court. And I guess to other people he thinks give a shit. Hey, Jon, let me tell you what we give a shit about: seeing your waitress's nipples. Not a whining iteration of your court career.

"Dear Patients,

As many of you can remember back in 2005, we were the absolute laughingstocks of the industry. Everyone said we were “crazy”, that a medical themed restaurant selling Bypass Burgers from pretty Nurses would, “surely fail”! Well as an ordinary guy with a wife, three little kids, and zero start up money, I pretty much think that my spatula and I have proved the critics to be wrong.

As many of you may have heard, I’m having to quash yet another copycat restaurant in Florida. It’s really getting quite tiring, as just eight months ago I had to expend the time and resources to force the total closure of another Florida impersonator called the “Flatline Grill”.

Don’t worry, the current impostors are no where near as sophisticated as any of my previous opponents. It’s well documented that they came to the Heart Attack Grill in 2009 seeking a franchise opportunity in Florida, but after learning everything they could, they simply opted to steal.

The real irony is that the same ‘Monday Morning Quarterbacks’ who said that the Heart Attack Grill would never succeed are now stumbling all over themselves in an effort to copy us. In fact I have successfully forced the removal of Bypass Burger menu items from no less than seven different restaurants in just the last 30 days... wow!

While I truly wish that I could spend my time and resources on careful expansion into new cities, everyone should be aware of just how important it is to all of us that we continue to fight for our legal rights. After all, the Heart Attack Grill has always been about your American duty to stand up and be counted as an individual!

In fact I’ve come to realize that it’s you, the patients, who are the Heart Attack Grill’s true and genuine stakeholders. Long after my personal surgical career has finished, when the next generation of Doctors and Nurses take charge, one thing will remain constant… a patient who hungers for an honest, non-pretentious burger and good entertainment at a price that a regular person can afford.

With this fact in mind, I believe it’s right to involve everyone in our expansion decision. For the last six months I’ve had realtors in Orlando aggressively searching for an ideal Heart Attack Grill location. As I’ve always said, to keep quality high, we are only going to open up a few total locations ever. With all copycats in Florida, yes, Florida is definitely one of them, but where in Florida?

Everyone who fills out our survey (it only takes 60 seconds) will receive a coupon for a free ½ pound Single Bypass Burger® and Flatliner Fries™. It doesn’t matter what your answers are, but it is important that you fill out the survey truthfully and accurately.
Click here to do it now

To Your Health,

Dr Jon
Chief Surgeon
Heart Attack Grill®

(Isn’t it pathetic that I have to put the “TM” after everything now? What kind of a world do we live in where people’s parents teach them the difference between right and wrong?)"


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