Thursday, June 11, 2015

Christopher Lee Eulogy

Christopher Lee never had an instant of doubt at any time. If he decided you needed to die then you would die. He would never stop to maybe reconsider your fate. Because Christopher Lee knew there was no need: with you dead things could only improve. He never had any misgivings or remorse or ever tried to second guess himself. He knew he would find someone even worse than you to kill tomorrow or the next day so why not kill you as soon as possible before there was a backlog. Christopher Lee never listened to arguments designed to persuade him to let you live. You could say your piece but he never actually listened. Once you were done with your pathetic, meaningless little plea for mercy he would smile and proceed to kill you. One especially charming aspect of his monomania to end your life was that before he set-in to work on sending your soul to its eternal reward he would usually make a short statement to you regarding some aspects of your murder that you, alas, would not be able to witness and experience. Such as the deposition of your remains.     ".....and once I have ascertained that you are dead, i will take your empty, souless corpse and feed it to the thousands of starving and deranged cats that i have living beneath the castle. Which i have raised from kittenhoods for this very purpose: to devour your flesh. i tortured them and starved them as soon as they emerged from their mothers. They have extremely ravenous and unsympathetic dispositions and stomachs. they will make short work of you. No one will visit your grave. No one will lay flowers at your tomb. You will become cat feces, spilled upon a stone floor 100 feet beneath the surface of the earth. There will not be enough recognizable of you for Jesus and the angels to resurrect on the last day. I am denying you not only of this life but also of your life to come. My cats will enjoy a more real and substantial eternity than you will. Because there will be more of them intact when Jesus comes than will be the case with you." Yes, Christopher Lee not only would kill your body and your salvation, he did it without a lot of second-guessing of himself or pauses to reconsider. Nor did he lose himself in regret or remorse or guilt or anguish that maybe, perhaps, he should have not have done what he did to you. No. There was none of that. He knew you needed to be killed and that he needed to be the one to do the killing. It's what he did. In fact, while he was explaining to you why you needed to be executed, those who listened who were not you - which would be us - we would find ourselves slowly nodding to ourselves in agreement. "Yes: he does need to die. I see that now." Even the victims would often be swayed into agreement by the soft tones and reasoned logic of Christopher Lee standing close to them and explaining the facts of life and death to them with an expressionless expression. And when he was finished how could there be any doubt that he was right and you, the victim, were wrong? There could be no doubt, that is correct. Being killed by Christopher Lee was, if anything, not a punishment, but an opportunity. It meant that your life, even if unimportant, was going to have a decidedly flamboyant ending. It meant that finally someone had taken an interest in you. In fact enough of an interest to merit for you a closing statement; an explanation of how it is that you deserve what is about to happen to you. He gave you an appraisal of your entire existence. One you yourself might not have ever even considered. "You were brought to me so that I might become stronger through the absorption of your worthless marrow that will be transformed into nobility and purpose. It will be transformed into me. So do not think that this is a sad and unfortunate occasion. It is not. It is a chance for your life - worthless as it was - to take-on some meaning. Thanks in large part to me. In fact thanks exclusively to me." Reasoned rhetoric designed to persuade himself, if not you, of the necessary need for your earthly departure was what gave Christopher Lee most of his irresistible charm. Assuming the death stroke itself was not charm-filled enough for your liking. It was not enough that you be killed, it was very important that you be informed - with a courteous and calmly delivered preamble - why you were dying, how you would be dying, the justification for your being imminently murdered, the consequences of your death, assuming there were any, since your life was of no consequence apparently, otherwise you wouldnt be here, and a short homily on one of the sciences: perhaps philosophy. Perhaps the history of ethical standards among humans vs those of the so-called lesser species. Maybe an explanation of the nature of pain. "Pain isn't really real, you know. It is merely an interaction of electrons between, say, the site of the intrusion - in this case where i have jammed a shard of glass into your scrotum - and a rather etherial, non-substantial vapor of interpretive chemicals somewhere in your brain, perhaps near this exposed portion of your head where i have removed some of your skull." That sort of thing. Always ready to impart knowledge and wisdom to a victim, perhaps the first real informative lecture of their lives, Christopher Lee was more than a sociopathic engine of death, he was a teacher. Havent you all held in your memory the name and face of one particular teacher who made a difference? Yes i think we all have someone like that in our life. Well, to many facing an upcoming sentence of death via slow agonizing torture Christopher Lee was that teacher. "I think you should find the next few hours most instructive, considering the relentlessly uninformed existence you have plodded through so far on your boring path of emptiness that was your life until now. Your skin is going to be dissolved by muriatic acid: a chemical usually reserved for swimming pools. This batch here is being reserved for you. While you yourself are not a swimming pool, in a very short while you are going to take-on some of the appearances of one, if i am not being too liberal in interpretive definitions; you are going to become liquified. And while i do not think children will hurriedly run over to swim in you even if the weather gets hot enough, you will take on some of the aspects of a swimming pool; your flesh will gurgle like a pool filter gurgling air and water with a sound like a rutting walrus, as pools make because the level at the fill-line is too low." So often run of the mill murderers address you with nothing but gunfire, a garroting, or a stab to the midsection with a two edged knife. No lectures, no explanations, no moments of quiet dialogue and civilized verbal interaction between victim and perpetrator. This was never the case with Christopher Lee. There was always time for explanation and debate. Christopher Lee never lost one of these debates either. You almost wonder why he held them. But he did. he did, and we learned from them. We learned how to explain to a corpse-to-be how it is and why it is that he is, of the two people present, why it is that he is the one who is the criminal and why it is that the apparent murderer is actually the put-upon victim. These are valuable lessons to be learned if one is about to embark upon a life of life-taking or professional politics. Otherwise who could endure the guilt and remorse and regret? That is correct, no one could endure it. Why not turn things around so that it becomes the victim's problem? And that is what Christopher Lee did. He taught us how to kill with certainty and conviction. Perhaps the most valuable lesson any human being can learn. Christopher Lee, you will be missed. But you will still be with us in your films. And you will teach us and all future generations throughout eternity here on earth and throughout the galaxies way out there. Christopher Lee: the most important man who ever lived. Rest in guilt-free peace. We all owe everything to you. As you have so often reminded us as we stared into your eyes for the last time before you gave us what we deserved. Amen.


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